You fell in love with a vampire, torch up for the empire

Although I've played The Sims for years, it was only ever very casually up until just this year. It was always a game I liked, but I never really realized it's potential until YouTube began recommending me Sims videos out of the blue and I saw just what the game had to offer. Naturally I then began collecting the various expansion kits, although I always swore off the more supernatural themed packs as despite my interest in that stuff I felt like I preferred a more realistic game play. Until last month anyway, when I was in the Halloween spirit and bought the Vampires pack almost on a whim!

I love vampires, they're my favorite supernatural entity and always have been since I first saw Bela Lugosi swirling his cape as Dracula. Recently I've been revisiting the vampire stories I'd missed, a big one being Interview With The Vampire which I'd avoided because of its reputation of purple prose but have to say I loved the movie way more than I ever thought I would and can't wait to start my way through the books as soon as I'm done with my current read! All this to say I've been in more of a vampire mood than usual lately, and combined with the stereotypically gothic furniture and fashion items that also come with this game pack, I guess it was obvious I would cave and get it eventually. I figured it would be worth it even if I only bought it for the build and fashion items and completely ignored the vampires - I wasn't sure how I felt about them potentially harassing my mortal Sims and didn't like to think I'd have to be on high alert every night to scare off Vlad. But honestly it's ended up being my most favorite Sims pack I've ever bought!

Buying the pack gives you the additional world of Forgotten Hollow, which is perfectly spooky and always shrouded in mist and darkness so it's the ideal place for your vampires to live. Literally my only complaint about this world is that it's too small, I want to move all of my Sims here but there's only 5 build lots! It also comes with two pre-made vampire families (they're actually the 3 characters on the game cover) and usually I don't bother with the pre-made Sims but I've loved playing with these guys so much!

Vlad's house

First up is Vladislaus Straud, and he gets a bad rep in Simmer circles so he was the first character I checked out when I got the game. And it's his character that absolutely convinces me that this Vampires pack was made by really big vampire fans, or they did a ton of research because the attention to detail is incredible!

The vampires in the game have two forms, their regular day to day look, and their 'dark form' which appears when they bite. Vlad's 'dark form' is based on Nosferatu, the first vampire movie ever made in 1922 (and arguably still the best!) It's basically Dracula, but they didn't have the copyright to make Dracula so they made it anyway but changed the names and a few other details. Because of this, plus the fact it's a German Expressionist movie, it has one of the most unique and distinctive visual identities of any vampire movie ever made, and despite being completely silent it's just as entrancing today as it was 99 years ago. I'm going a bit off topic, but I just really love that they made Vlad into Count Orlok! It's fairly niche and a detail more casual players wouldn't pick up on which makes it even more special, as it's like they were really aiming this pack at Vampire enthusiasts! I also love that despite clearly being an old man Vlad is labeled in the game as a 'young adult' which I'm convinced is a reference to another vampire movie What We Do In The Shadows, specifically this scene with Vladislav:

Vlad's house itself is also incredibly detailed. At first glance it has a really odd layout, but in Bram Stoker's novel Dracula's castle is deliberately supposed to be confusing and disorientating which is how Jonathan Harker gets lost in it. Not to mention that genuine old European castles have weirdly shaped rooms that don't seem to lead anywhere and nonsensical layouts because they've been built on and expanded so much by the various owners over the centuries. A huge castle was a sign of wealth, it didn't matter if you didn't use parts of it, and it's not like they had the kind of designated room styles we have nowadays to fill it. I only explain this because I've just seen a lot of Simmers complain about Vlad's house, and I'm guessing it's because they either don't understand what these old European buildings are like, or are completely unfamiliar with vampire lore so I wanted to take a moment to explain it. Because that's what thrilled me SO MUCH about this game pack - the people that created it either REALLY did their research, or are vampire nerds too!

My favorite characters are actually the other family included in the game, specifically Caleb who is 100% a mid-00s era Emo and I love him for that. He lives with his sister Lilith who has a bit of a Gothabilly vibe with her Betty bangs. Lilith's life aspiration is to raise a vampire family, and Caleb wants to be a good vampire and find a way to survive without drinking the blood of humans 🥺 I tell you I am weak for Caleb, and he's become one of my most played Sims and befriended my main family. He's just perfect.

Caleb visiting my main Sim family doing his vampire thing, and drinking blood plasma from a fruit because he's trying to go vegan

I wasn't sure if I wanted to write about my Sims game, but I'm still so excited about this pack I just had to. It's a weird feeling because on the one hand I really want to talk about Sims stuff because I love it so much and it provides me with such great escapism which I've really needed this past year, and I've even thought about getting into streaming and such things. But on the other hand, with the simulated life and creativity aspects it feels so personal and I get shy about sharing that - these characters are my OCs, I have stories, backgrounds, and lore that I've created for them in my head, and I'm not sure how much of that I want to put out there, you know? But I'd like to be brave and share a little now and then, especially when it's about new-to-me packs and such (although I've managed to collect a lot of them this year with all of the sales EA have 😬) But anyway! I really can't recommend the Vampires pack enough if you're interested in vampire lore, it does it really well! And I also recommend it if, also like me, you just want to live out your best emo life.

“You must go on a long journey before you can really find out how wonderful home is.”

It's slowly feeling more and more autumnal here and I can feel myself approaching my hibernation phase. Oh to be a bear! As I can't sleep all winter I've done the next best thing and have mostly been holed up with my illustration work and crafts.

I've been re-watching one of my favorite TV shows, BrainDead, which I realized I'd last seen two years ago in 2018! I'm having to use the US Amazon to stream it (thanks VPN!) as I guess because it's currently topical with the US elections that they've started charging to watch it on most platforms when it used to be free. Because it's been a while I'd forgotten some of the finer details of the show, and it really is hilariously funny. If you're into political satire I can't recommend it enough!

I finally finished my Snow Queen project which I've written about in great detail over here on my art blog along with all six of the finished pieces. It's been a lot of work as I was bubbling over with ideas during lockdown and am still playing catch up and digitally painting it all. I'm feeling a bit done with it all to be honest and am itching to work on something new but I still have about 8 different illustrations to finish.

I'm still working on my sketchbook, I drew these two portraits with ballpoint pen last weekend. I'd watched Joker for the first time since I'd seen it at the cinema and met it's director Todd Phillips, and that whole thing was just such an experience that I was worried my very non-cinema sized screen would diminish the memory somehow. And also it's just that feeling of wanting to savor your favorite things instead of over watching it, you know? It inspired me to draw the character though. When I draw I don't really see the whole thing as I just focus on the tiny bit I'm currently working on, and it's always such a wonderful feeling when I mentally 'zoom out' and see how it's all come together! I'm tempted to paint the drops of blood on his face and perhaps the clown make up too, but I'm worried about spoiling it and losing some of the detail.

I also drew Aaron Tveit because of watching BrainDead which he's one of the main characters in (and is the whole reason I ever watched it in the first place, let's be honest).

This is what I'm currently working on in my sketchbook, using actual paint for a change. I've been itching to draw something from Wicked - I remember seeing it several times a year, and how inspired I'd feel at the end of each performance and I miss that feeling so much! I dug out my old sketchbook to look at some thumbnails I'd messily sketched out in my car on the way home from London before I forgot, and this was one of the them so I decided to finally give it a go. I was a little worried the perspective wouldn't work, but it was one of those rare moments where the image in your head comes out exactly as you want it too! I love using gouache as it's so satisfyingly matte and flat once it's dry, and I can't wait to see how this painting progresses. I'm using a different sketchbook to my usual brand, and I do really miss my old one but I'm also enjoying being able to use more materials and paint in it. The only issue I really have is that because the paper is so much nicer I'm struggling to really fill it up as I don't want to 'waste' it - which is generally why I steer away from fancy sketchbooks in the first place!

I've also been working on my memory journal, currently creating a spread for BrainDead as I like to record things I've enjoyed. I've also fallen down a rabbit hole of watching people journal on YouTube which is incredibly addictive! Including k-pop journals, which really isn't my thing but I just love their enthusiasm and I admire it really. When I was a teenager it was a period where being passionate about anything was sneered at, particularly if you were a girl, and it's something that really stuck with me and made it difficult for me to express my interests as I constantly felt like I had to dial myself down to fit in, and I'm still trying to unlearn all of that. So although I don't like the topic personally I really admire how unabashed these girls are, and how creative it makes them! Creating journals and scrapbooks of things you like is nothing new, people have been doing it since the 1950s, but it's become much more aesthetic now and I love that. And it's just really fun keeping track of stuff you're watching, which songs you're particularly into right now, and your general feelings on it all. Our interests shape who we are so much that it makes sense to have a place to record it in a creative way.

This was not as nice as I'd hoped but I liked the packaging!

Otherwise I've mostly been trying to keep up with all of my other hobbies. The trouble with having so many is that there's always something to do, which is a blessing as I've never been bored in my whole entire life, but I can get a bit overwhelmed at how much I want to do and how few hours there are in the day! I'm currently trying to get back on track with reading as it's a hobby I've really struggled with over the years as the computer and other such devices have stolen my attention span, and I've actually settled into a great book after a few duds and feel like I've rediscovered the joy of reading again which feels so wonderful! I've also developed little habits like carrying my Kindle in my hand when I'm commuting to and from work which encourages me to snatch little moments when I'm waiting on the platform instead of waiting to pull it out of my backpack when I'm on the train if at all.

I'm also halfway through a knitting project, which I didn't take any photos of as it's not very exciting to look at right now on the needles, but it's a triangle shape and learning how to shape knitted items feels pretty exciting as I'm still a beginner. And I've taken up hand sewing after discovering Bernadette Banner's channel over summer. I've sewed for years, I've made many of my own clothes, I even studied dressmaking up to college level and considered making it my career and continuing it to university. But as much as I love the finished result of owning the things that I've sewn, I always venimently hated the actual process of sewing and it's just a means to an end, and often a very frustrating one that I try and rush through which no doubt only adds to the stress! So seeing Bernadette hand sew full clothing garments kind of blew my mind as I've always associated hand sewing with mending or finishing a hem. I was particularly inspired by her Lady Sherlock waistcoat and decided to attempt it for myself, although in a much different fabric as the Victorian era isn't really my vibe so I've also had that on the go in the background. I've loved seeing it slowly take structure as I quietly sit with it on my lap in front of a movie rather than hunching over a sewing machine, and it's gotten me thinking about all kinds of things I want to sew next! I'm planning a trip to Tokyo's fabric district in a few weeks and I can hardly wait.

Beware the frozen heart

When listening to the Frozen Broadway cast recording the other day it really got me thinking about the original fairy tale of The Snow Queen and how the two compare. This isn't anything I've done any research on as I want it to be my own theories without outside influence, and I'm sure it's not a new topic at all but it's something I just wanted to share my own thoughts on anyway!

The Snow Queen by Hans Christian Andersen is probably my all time favourite fairy tale, and it's something I go way back with. I'm part Danish and grew up on Andersen's works as a child and so they hold a lot of personal significance to me, and when I was in my foundation year of art school for my big final project I decided I wanted to illustrate my own version of The Snow Queen.

This artwork is really old and kind of embarrassing to me now (I actually plan on redoing it entirely as a personal project for my portfolio) but it was a labor of love as The Snow Queen is an epic in length for being a fairy tale, and a lot of background research went into everything and it got me one of the highest grades in my class. Which is all to say that I'm intimately knowledgeable of the original story as I spent so much time with it.

I've been a huge fan of Disney my whole life and was hugely involved in the fandom in the early '10s when it was all forum based (I love forums, I wish they'd come back! They were so perfect for fandoms as they were so community driven but had the benefit of being moderated by people and not automated systems so no one could be an asshat or unfairly censored). I knew Disney had a long history of trying to adapt The Snow Queen dating back to the 1930s, and multiple times it had come into production only to be shelved due to the dark and episodic themes of the novel. So when it was finally released I could hardly wait and went to the very first screening that I could. And I hated it!! Yeah, big twist - what is now one of my favourite movies I did not get along with on first viewing. I remember people gushing about it and I just did not get the hype as all I could see was a bastardisation of my favourite story.

Obviously I expected Disney to alter the source material but I couldn't see any of the original tale in Frozen and that was what put my nose so out of joint. It wasn't until I saw it again by chance in 2015 that it really hit me emotionally and I was able to separate it entirely from the source and start appreciating it as it's own thing. Since then I've collected all kinds of merchandise, cosplayed as Elsa at cons and at the Disney parks, Disneybounded as the characters and collected limited edition dresses based on their costumes, and travelled all of the way from the UK to see it on Broadway (OK it wasn't my main reason for going to NYC, Aaron Tveit in Moulin Rouge was, but I still paid an obscene amount to see it!) In fact it's probably fair to say at this point that Frozen has come to mean more to me than the original Andersen tale which just feels nostalgic to me now more than anything else.

Despite my love of both, I haven't really thought too much about how the two stories cross over and share similarities as like I said, I prefer to keep the two separate as they're so different. Other than Elsa being a Queen with ice powers, two of the background servants being named Gerda and Kai, and there being a reindeer as a main character, there really isn't anything immediately obvious that points it as being an adaptation. Even the overarching themes aren't really the same; in The Snow Queen the main message is good verses evil and the importance of innocence - the Snow Queen represents temptation, and Kai only becomes vulnerable to her when the mirror shards have entered his heart and eye and changed his view of the world to a more adult, cynical version. This is hugely important, and actually really relevant to Frozen upon closer inspection, but Frozen is generally about true love and the effects fear and isolation can have on both a person and a community. The Snow Queen also has a lot of Christian influence, but I'm not mad that Disney took that aspect out.

The Snow Queen (which can be read here) actually begins with a magic mirror that distorts everything it reflects by reducing everything pure and good into nothingness and magnifying everything ugly and evil. A group of trolls (!!) try to fly the mirror up the Heavens to "make fools of the angels" (like I said, there's a heavy handed Christian element) but as the mirror gets higher and higher into the sky it shatters and falls back down to Earth.

Kai and Gerda are child neighbours who have grown up playing together and are as close as brother and sister. Shards of the magic troll mirror fall onto Kai, one piercing his heart which turns it to ice (!), and another that gets caught in his eye and distorts his view of the world into something ugly and contemptible. He's mean to Gerda and is generally a bit of an asshole for seemingly no reason, which is possibly why no one but Gerda seems to care when he suddenly goes missing. When Kai is out playing on his sled by himself, the Snow Queen pulls up in a carriage and kisses him so he can no longer feel the cold and takes him to her palace in the North. This is the only real appearance of the Snow Queen in the whole story and her motives are completely ambiguous. In her palace she gives Kai a puzzle of broken ice shards and tells him that if he can spell out the correct word then he can become his own master, so he settles down on the frozen lake and gets to work.

Gerda's distraught at the loss of her friend and decides to go find him. She begins by boat but soon loses her paddles and is left to float until she meets land and is greeted by an old woman who erases Gerda's memory of Kai so that she'll stay with her as an adoptive daughter. Which works well, until Gerda spots a rose which reminds her of playing in the flowers with Kai and she bursts into tears, but the flowers confirm that Kai can't be dead as they haven't seen him in the Earth so Gerda runs away. Next she meets a crow who thinks Kai may have married a local princess which turns out to be a false alarm but the Prince and Princess are kind enough to provide Gerda with a carriage to take her on her journey, but it results in Gerda being taken prisoner by a band of thieves further along. The Robber Girl forces Gerda to be her friend by holding her at knife point which upsets Gerda a lot, but the Robber Girl's captive pigeons tell Gerda that Kai has been taken by the Snow Queen, and the captive reindeer Bæ tells Gerda that he knows where the palace is located. The Robber Girl lets Gerda and Bæ go free and he carries Gerda to Finnmark, meeting the Lapland Woman and the Finn Woman along the way, but Gerda must make the remainder of the journey alone as otherwise she won't be able to enter the palace. Kai is unable to recognise Gerda as he's obsessed with the ice puzzle and has turned black with cold, and the sight of him in that state reduces Gerda to tears and she tries to hug him. The warmth of her tears melts the ice in his heart, and now able to feel again Kai weeps as he recognises his closest friend and his tears dislodge the shard in his eye. They leave the palace and travel home together, and although they are now grown they retain the innocence and optimism of youth in their hearts which is what saved them.

This is a very abridged version of the tale, and you can tell that it's very different from the plot of Frozen which I'm not going to detail as I'm assuming that if you've read this far then you already know it, but I wanted to give some background of the original in case you're not familiar.

At first glance there don't seem to be many similarities. It's kind of obvious that Gerda and Anna could be said to be the same character - Anna retains her innocence, which often comes across as naivety in her agreeing to marry Prince Hans and charging off into the wilderness alone to look for her sister, but it's very clear that her heart is in the right place and like Gerda she meets people that help her along the way even if the cast of characters look a bit different. I've seen Kristoff compared to the Robber Girl which always leaves a bad taste in my mouth - the Robber Girl literally murders people and rubs a knife along the throat of the reindeer to stop him from running away. I can't imagine Kristoff treating Sven like that, and as Kristoff is directly inspired by indigenous Sámi cultures comparing him to the Robber Girl starts to jump headfirst into blatant racism so please consider don't.

For me, it's actually the character of Kai that I find the most intriguing in all of this and how he fits into the cast of Frozen. I've seen people say that Elsa is both the Snow Queen and Kai combined, but that never sat right with me as I don't see any of Kai in Elsa - she has no sudden switch of personality, no task she obsessively feels she must undertake, so I really don't see what that comparison is even based on. But as I was sat listening to the Broadway soundtrack on the train and listening to John Riddle enthusiastically sing Love Is An Open Door with Patti Murin it suddenly struck me - Hans is Kai (I know, several paragraphs in and I finally get to the point of the post, but I had to set it up!)

Hans is a very complex character within Frozen, I'd argue the most complex and it's why he's my favourite as there's so much to unpack and interpret with him. I've always been of the opinion that Disney did him dirty in the movie as one of the reasons he's so complex is because he wasn't originally written as the villain - Elsa was. But after the songwriters wrote Let It Go and discovered Elsa's motives they couldn't comfortably place her as the villain anymore, so made a last minute decision to switch it to Hans. That's why there is no foreshadowing and it's really poor writing and he's generally considered to be such a weak character (which has been analysed many times before and I won't go into, but you can read more here if you need the receipts). With the release of Frozen II Disney made it pretty clear that they now want to portray Hans as a simple black and white villain by calling him an "irredeemable monster", which is sad as it turns his backstory from something complex that could of opened a discussion about his descent into the Freudian Excuse trope and jeering at him. This feels incredibly tone-deaf to me considering the story arcs of Elsa and Anna and the main themes of personal growth in Frozen, and even goes directly against statements made by writer Jennifer Lee.

If you're not a fan of Hans and aren't fully aware of his backstory, he grew up the youngest of 13 sons and was abused throughout his childhood. He states this himself in a throwaway comment to Anna about how his brothers "pretended I was invisible, literally, for two years.", which has been followed up in official releases by Disney such as a comic strip and a book called A Frozen Heart which also shows his father as an abusive sociopath. This isn't sympathising a villain or trying to excuse his actions, but it does add to the layers of his character. It's exceptional and unheard of for a Disney villain to display any degree of self-doubt or ambiguity, so why did Disney originally go to such lengths to give him a traumatic back story just to make him a throwaway villain? Because he wasn't the villain.

There's long been a theory in Frozen fan circles that the trolls are the true villains of the story. They're the ones who encourage Elsa's parents to hide her away and force her to conceal her feelings which leads to her own traumatic experiences, and while they heal Anna they state "the heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded." This is an example of genuine foreshadowing, and could point to why Hans does a complete 180 after Anna meets the trolls with Kristoff and they sing such choice lines as "Her quote 'engagement' is a flex arrangement" and "Get the fiancé out of the way and the whole thing will be fixed!". Also remember the magic mirror in the original Snow Queen belonged to the trolls!

Which brings us back to Kai. Sweet, kind, innocent Kai who got a frozen heart and a distorted view of the world when two pieces of troll mirror fell onto him from the sky. Who could no longer see goodness and acted selfishly and obsessively until Gerda melted his frozen heart. As Anna states to Hans towards the finale of Frozen:

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I'm not saying for definite that the trolls had any part in it but it's definitely interesting, and there are certainly a lot of parallels between the characterisations of Kai and Hans and how it changes their behaviours. One of the aspects of Hans' character that I've always been intrigued by is how it parallels Elsa - a character who also grew up in an abusive household, although not through malicious intent like Hans experienced, but rather due to over protection and shortsightedness by her parents - and how they both show how abuse can shape a person. For Elsa it caused low self esteem, isolation, and self punishment, whereas for Hans one could argue it made him act outwards and present himself as he thinks others want him to be seen whilst being emotionally volatile. Or maybe he was just genuinely trying to make a better life for himself away from his abusive family and sensed Anna was looking for the same deal and was happy to marry her until his heart and eyes were frozen by magic trolls which distorted his view and made him behave like a jackass. Maybe.

I guess we'll never truly know, but it's fun to mull over and I enjoy any links I can find between my favourite movie and my favourite fairy tale. And it's why I'll forever be mad that Hans got such a rush job treatment as he had the potential to be an amazing character. He’s emotionally damaged and an arrogant and vindictive dick, but that doesn’t make him evil. I like that he's ambiguous and morally grey and how that forces the audience to question whether they can trust him. As in reality, most people are like that.

Yet another scene that parallels Kai and Hans - at the beginning of The Snow Queen Kai looks out of the frost covered window and sees the Snow Queen beckoning to him, and here we have a big pointed scene of Hans looking out of the frost covered window at the storm Elsa created - whilst being an ass to Anna, much like Kai was to Gerda (who we've already established is Anna!).

I didn't know if I even really existed. But I do, and people are starting to notice.

I've had a crazy busy week so far, but it's been a ton of fun! On Tuesday I was in Manchester, and then yesterday I made an impromptu visit to London as I'd learnt just the day before that there was to be a special screening of Joker with a live Q+A session with writer and director Todd Phillips afterwards! I couldn't book tickets fast enough!

Although Joker hasn't been out very long, I'm not shy in saying that it's probably my favourite film of all time. I'm a huge movie fan and watch a lot of them, but I've never been hit so hard emotionally on my very first viewing of a film like I was with Joker. Even as a life long Batman comic book fan I never expected to like the movie as much as I did, especially as I was never keen on the Joker as a character as he always seemed kind of ridiculous and far-fetched. And I've now seen it a grand total of 9 times at the cinema! I really wanted to make as much of it as I could as I love the totally immersive experience of the movie theatre - I even saw it in French when I was in Paris in November as I just couldn't bare missing a week of seeing it (and no I don't speak French, and yes it was a French dubbed movie!). After initially seeing it I even had a hard time watching other movies as I just couldn't stop thinking about it and didn't want to part with it as I just connected with it so much. Does that sound crazy?

I really wasn't into the idea of the movie before it was released based on the trailer, and admit I bought into the hype of wondering if it would incite violence (and I really loved a comment Todd made yesterday regarding this: "I actually think the violence that is in the movie is oddly responsible because it's horrific and feels real, just like violence is. I would argue that other movies where violence is celebrated is much more irresponsible so I don't know why suddenly we got painted with that brush.")

I honestly hate that violence is even such a focus as it's not that violent overall! It's mostly a character study of Arthur Fleck's descent into what drove him to become the Joker, and I can't help but feel protective of it when people are making these kind of assumptions as it's just such an important film to me personally and I feel like the themes are so well handled. Themes such as child abuse and the effects it leaves on a person after they've grown, the way neurodivergent and disabled people are treated in society (Arthur has a brain injury which causes his uncontrollable laughter), mental illness and the lack of support people receive for it and how often they're abandoned entirely to fend for themselves. I'm such a socially awkward mess with anxiety and a slew of other issues that I could relate to Arthur constantly being left on the outskirts, I've had numerous therapy sessions with doctors who never really listened and then had services cut due to lack of NHS funding. I'm not saying that I necessarily relate to Arthur, but because I know what these things feel like I could empathise with his situation and my heart broke for him, over and over. I was so sad for him when he kept getting hurt and beaten for being "odd" when he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong, people are just narrow minded and this is the way disabled folk are treated every single day. And to see these issues tackled so honestly on screen without the usual glamourising or 'othering' that usually happens to these topics really was something special.

I went to the screening on my own, and honestly had no idea what to expect and was thrilled to see that there were quite a few other girls of my age range there alone too! It was held at the Odeon at Leicester Square which I'd never been to, but I knew it was the movie theatre where London movie premieres are held so my expectations were pretty high! And honestly I've been spoilt, it was so incredible. My seat was second row so I expected to have the crane my neck looking up at the screen, but all of the seats were full on recliner style chairs with their own little tables attached to the arm rests, so I was able to watch it almost lying down (and even with my legs up there was still about a metre of leg room in front of me!)

Todd came out of a side door at the end of the film and we got half an hour to ask him questions from the audience. I didn't ask him anything as everyone was asking him quite technical and analytical questions, and I felt silly as I'm not analytical so my questions were more about how he saw the plot as the writer - like why does Randall have such a predatory vibe and what's his history with Arthur that provoked him so much, and is Penny telling the truth? (I think she is based on the photo Arthur finds with the message on the back)

It was really special getting to hear Todd's thoughts and processes, he was very humble and gracious and it just really came across just how much he's put into this movie and how important it is to him. I just really appreciate hearing creatives talk about their passions and see them be so enthusiastic about their creations. He was so kind too; the cinema were trying to hurry him along as they had another booking in the theatre but he kept taking more questions, and he wasn't supposed to do a meet and greet but everyone flooded to the front of the stage at the end and he took the time to sign and take photos with people and speak to them one on one. I managed to get a picture, but because my phone is so old and the movie theatre was dark the image quality is pretty horrible, but it was still such a special moment that I don't even care and am just so happy that I got to have it!

Times are hard for dreamers

It was a bit last minute, but I went down to London on Monday to see Amelie The Musical which is currently having a limited run and I managed to get a half price ticket in the New Year sales.

Amelie has always been one of my favourite movies. I went through a period of being really into French cinema, and although I don't watch much nowadays Amelie has always stayed very close to my heart. I know it's a very popular film anyway, but I've just always really related to Amelie with her "quiet on the outside, loud on the inside" personality, her endless daydreaming and optimism, her social awkwardness from spending too much time in her own head, and people around her thinking her infantile and naive. Like Amelie I've never been in a relationship because I run away at the first hint of interest, assuming no one can be bothered to take the time to get to know me and my strange little ways, scared that if I let others into my inner world I'd have to give it up entirely in order to be accepted. When I was in school I was bullied for just about everything about me, my home life was unstable for a myriad of reasons, and there are levels of dysfunction that just destroy a person’s ability to network with anyone, anywhere, ever. I am nobody's little weasel. What else is a girl to do but retreat into the depths of her imagination?

I hadn't actually looked into the musical adaptation before going, so went in blind which I generally prefer to do as then there's fewer expectations. Wicked is my most favourite musical of all time, but I remember the very first time I saw it I was so disappointed because I'd been listening to the soundtrack for so long and had pictured scenes in my head completely differently to how they actually were, and it took me years before I gave it another chance and fell in love with it. So I prefer to know as little as possible before going in if I can help it.

The biggest thing that I liked about it was how French it felt. I'd heard that a lot of the French-ness was lost when it was on Broadway, which I assume is just down to culture clash, but the French are our direct neighbours so we tend to know each other pretty well! All of the actors even spoke and sang with heavy French accents, which I appreciated for how firmly rooted it kept the show in Paris, but I admit it made bits difficult to understand too. I've travelled to France many times and never had any difficulty understanding actual French people, so I think it was just the fact it was almost entirely sung through in accented English. I'm glad I already knew the film as I think a lot of it would have gone over my head otherwise.

Overall I really liked it though! I'm hoping they release a London cast album as it's definitely something I'd want to hear over and over and pick up on things I missed. It kept the quirky nature of the film nicely, but without over doing it (the fig scene!!). I loved the set design, it had a little window at the top of the stage that opened to reveal Amelie's apartment and she grabbed on to a lampshade and floated up to it, and during the cafe scenes you could actually smell the smoke from the cigarettes. The humour was excellent and so well timed, and I loved how the cast are playing instruments throughout which was incredibly clever. To be able to sing and dance whilst playing a cello or violin? I'm in awe. I'd wondered before it began where the orchestra where and never expected it.

Before the show I mostly spent time in Camden. I go down to London a lot, but I haven't visited Camden in about a year and it seemed as good a place as any to have a mooch round. It's lost a lot of it's personality over the years as it's become more and more commercialised and most of my favourite shops are long gone, but it's still fun to play tourist for the day. I had a delicious waffle filled with chocolate, strawberries, marshmallows, and cream that made me feel a bit sick, and managed to get lost around the Stables.

You only have to read the lines, they're scribbly black and everything shines

I've been drawing a lot of portraits lately as I find it fun and it's good to draw things for me, but it's something I always feel a little unsure of sharing as although I'm proud of them I don't want people thinking it's part of my 'brand' as an illustrator. It's a whole side of art business that I struggle with honestly, as it feels nowadays like you have to have your one aesthetic and stick to it but I'd get so bored! And honestly I think it's good to be versatile. But saying that, I don't think I'd want to do portraits as commissions as it'd no doubt lead to drawing people I don't care about which wouldn't be fun for me, so I keep them as just a hobby.

I used to draw portraits quite a lot with pencils, but because I'm a perfectionist I hated them if they weren't super photo realistic and it really sucked the fun out of it. So last year I began drawing them with ballpoint pens, something that scared me silly at the beginning as it's so permanent so there's obviously no way of erasing if you make a mistake, but it's actually really liberating and I feel I've learnt a lot from being forced to work with my mistakes. Because these are just for fun, they're all in my sketchbook. The top is Joaquin Phoenix in Joker, as it's turned out to be my favourite movie of the year and I'm lowkey obsessed. Second is Mika which is my favourite of the three (look at those pinstripes!!), and lastly is Aaron Tveit which whilst I like, I had issues with my pen blobbing while I was drawing it (why do they do this though??)

And here's two other illustrations I've been working on. Above is from the Broadway adaptation of Moulin Rouge, and it's how they end Act 1 with Elephant Love Medley. I'm not keen on how the song has been reworked honestly, but visually it's amazing, and I had fun trying to translate specific people into my art style whilst still making it look like them, as usually I draw fictional characters so likeness isn't so important. And below is from the finale scene of Wicked, and uh, spoiler alert? But Fiyero gets turned into the Scarecrow and I've always felt like he gets vastly overlooked within fan circles when this is a huge thing he goes through and a major sacrifice. I've always felt particularly attached to Fiyero though after reading the novel, his character is a lot more developed in that so I guess if you haven't read it it's easy not to care about what happens to him as he doesn't have a lot of stage time.

Do I look like the kind of clown that can start a movement?

I've been a fan of Batman for most of my life by this point, and first discovered it through watching the 1989 movie starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. I was going through my Tim Burton phase, and Batman was one of the last of his films that I'd yet to see which I wasn't too excited at the prospect of. Until I actually watched it anyway, then I fell completely in love with Gotham and it's residents and began fervently collecting the comic books as quickly as I could - which was difficult honestly, as comics weren't as prominent in the UK as they are today and it showed a great deal of determination on my part! I've always excitedly awaited each movie release, with mixed success - Christopher Nolan's trilogy will always be my favourites for their gritty realism, whereas Suicide Squad I prefer to forget the very existence of.

I initially had mixed feelings about the newly released Joker, mostly due to the amount of negative press it received leading up to its release, and my anxieties over what Hollywood was doing to such an important character in DC lore - especially after the hot mess that was Suicide Squad (yes I will drag that movie at every available opportunity, it was horrible). There seemed to be genuine concerns over whether Joker was going to try to legitimise this incel culture we have nowadays, but thankfully it ended up being far from that kind of narrative and shows that people shouldn’t be making assumptions about this film before they see it. In the few short weeks since this film's release it's become a movie that means a great deal to me for reasons I'm not even completely sure, I just felt so much, so intensely. I've seen it three times at the cinema so far, and fully intend to see it more which is a new experience for me - despite being such a huge fan of movies, I've only ever once before seen a film at the cinema twice, but I just feel like I can't see this film enough times and I want to savour the feeling of total immersion the cinema provides.

I don't feel like I need to really explain what this film is about - it's predominately a character study of Arthur Fleck's transformation into the Joker and gives one option as to a possible origin story. As such it's a difficult film to spoil as you know at the end he's going to become the Joker, but nonetheless I'd advise not reading further if you're bothered by potential spoilers as I will be talking at length about the plot.

I will say straight off the bat that this is a very uncomfortable film to sit through, but it's uncomfortable in all the right ways. It makes very valid criticisms about not only the poor vs rich, but also the way neurodivergent people are treated in society which was an aspect of the film that touched me the most. Arthur is portrayed as not only mentally ill, but also suffering from a brain injury and I just really liked this origin for the character of the Joker. Previously in both comics and movies he’s always felt like this kind of ridiculous character that would never appear in real life, and yet this film made him real. It was SO well acted by Joaquin Phoenix, he's absolutely mesmerising and obviously studied head trauma survivors. Most reviews that I've read seem to be skipping over that aspect and solely focusing on the mental illness, but it's stated several times - from his mothers hospital records we learn that as a child he was found tied to a radiator with "severe head trauma", and the card he hands to the woman on the bus states that his inappropriate laughter is caused by brain injury - and that is a legit symptom of brain injury. Making that the reason for his comic book style laugh was genius. I was so sad for him when he kept getting hurt and beaten for being "odd" when he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong, and this is the way disabled folk are treated every single day. It went there and I love it so much for that. I can understand if some want to keep Joker as a simple agent of chaos without purpose or motive, but if you are going to give him a backstory then this is it for me as it made him so believable and real.

Throughout the promotion of Joker I got the sense that they were trying to somewhat remove Joker from Batman with the many insistences that it was a standalone origin tale, but it was very firmly placed in canon and as a fan of the comic books I loved the side plot with Thomas Wayne. It set up the reasons for why Batman and Joker become arch enemies perfectly, and I loved seeing this other side to Thomas Wayne's character. Usually we only get to see him from Bruce Wayne/Batman's point of view, which is obviously hugely idolised as not only is he his dead father, but Bruce is from the same level of privilege as his father so wouldn't understand the perspective poor people had of him. He sees his father as a good guy who loves his city and wants to do everything he can to help those less fortunate than himself, whereas to Arthur Thomas is an out of touch entitled asshole who stands on the shoulders of poor people whilst referring to them as 'clowns', and possibly has an affair with Arthur's mother which he then covered up when she fell pregnant by having her committed and faking adoption papers - which I know is left up to interpretation, but I believe the photo Arthur finds of his mother as a young woman with a message from Thomas on the back is pretty damning evidence showing that the whole relationship wasn't Penny being delusional, and another example of how the rich can screw over the poor which is obviously a huge theme of the movie. Also, on subsequent viewings I've taken particular notice of Penny's story arc and when Arthur is looking through her medical notes at Arkham it briefly shows a note made by one of the psychiatrists that stated that Penny was insisting "I don't know why I'm here" regarding being committed, and I just really believe her and definitely think that Thomas Wayne is Arthur's dad which makes the whole thing even more tragic. Most reviews seem to think that the subway shooting was when Arthur transformed into the Joker, but personally I think it's when he kills Penny and no longer has anyone looking out for him at all and his realization that he's killed the only person that loved him. She was his final tether to reality, and without her he has no reason not to give in to the Joker side of himself.

I know that there have been a lot of complaints about the character of Joker being sympathised and pointing out all the ways in which he's actually a monster, but I feel like these people are missing the point. The Joker can have a sympathetic origin AND be all kinds of fucked up evil, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It's a sad fact that people who have been victims of abuse don't always stay victims their whole lives, but sometimes go on to become abusers themselves as it's all they've ever known. People are rarely born evil, people are rarely even born mentally ill, they can just be more prone due to family history. And the whole point to the movie in the first place is that if he’d been shown some compassion sooner and gotten the correct help he needed instead of being left facing such extreme loneliness that he literally has delusions of people being nice to him and having positive relationships, had he not continually been abused both individually and by the system, then maybe he wouldn’t have turned out like that. Because as Arthur himself states in the film, you can’t be surprised when mentally ill people go on to exhibit mentally ill behaviour. One of the big turns in the movie is when the mental health funding in Gotham is entirely cut, so the therapy and medication Arthur is taking to help him is cut off. He doesn’t even know where he’d even get his medication any longer. Add to that the casual bullying he suffers in his day-to-day life, from the casual aggression of the woman on the bus even after learning he was disabled, to the assholes on the subway, these people are all too common in real life. If anything comes from the success of this movie, I’d love for it to make people kinder to neurodivergent people instead of shooting dirty looks to outright bullying because you find their behaviour “odd”. Their dignity and safety is no less important than you feeling a bit uncomfy just because you don’t understand why they’re behaving that way.

Anyway, overall I really loved this move if you couldn't tell, I love the character study and it's such a compelling retelling of one of my favourite characters, and the ending takes my breath away every time. I know comic book movies have dominated the box offices for years now, and I've been bored by them for a while. Joker feels like the antithesis to those, a comic book movie that doesn't feel like a comic book movie, and as a fan of comic books I'm all for that honestly.

Project 365: III

15/365 - Sunday 15 September: I got my signed Playbill from Moulin Rouge! professionally framed ♥♥♥ The frame was custom made as Playbills are awkward dimensions, and it's all sealed up at the back so it's safe and sound. I'm just so, so happy with it as it's so important to me as it represents so much and was signed by one of my favourite actors, and now I can display it with pride on my shelf and take it traveling with me and know it won't ever get damaged. You can see my little New York snow globe in front of it too!

You'll float too

I often find myself wanting to write about films that I've seen as movies are something I really love a lot and are a pretty important part of my life, but I get put off of writing about them as I've always felt like the expectation is a review with proper analysis, and I'm ..... not like that. And because I'm not very good at analytical thinking, I end up feeling like I'm not allowed to talk about things I've liked because I don't have anything deep or insightful to say about it. But I also know that that's really dumb, I don't have to analyze something to death or pick up on minute themes and details to have a movie mean something to me personally, and if I want to gush about a movie I've enjoyed then why not? So that's exactly what I want to do more of on my blog, and share about movies I've enjoyed from time to time. And I definitely want to share about It: Chapter 2, partly because I wrote about the first one, and also because it's been such a highly anticipated film for me (I know it's been highly anticipated for people generally, but I don't care about those people).

I've been a fan of Stephen King for more of my life than I haven't by this point. I was in secondary school when I picked up Carrie, purely because it was on sale and I'd recently seen the film and so was intrigued. I didn't actually rate Carrie very much, I don't remember why as I haven't read it since, but I quickly picked up The Shining as it was another film I'd seen (I've been a fan of horror and ghoulies my whole life - as a kid I favored Goosebumps and Shivers books above all else, and I was pretty young when I moved on to proper horror movies. Most teens use their fake ID to buy alcohol, I used mine to buy R rated horror movies) and I loved The Shining, so much so that it ruined the movie for me. I've read the majority of King's books by now (except The Dark Tower as I'm intimidated by the size of it!) and It has always stood out as one of my all time favourites. I was always disappointed that it hadn't really had a film version - there is a mini series starring Tim Curry as Pennywise, but it's made for TV and desperately feels it, in the days long before TV shows had serious money pumped into them.

I loved the first installment of It (which you can read about here) and even back then was immediately eager for part 2. I'm also really glad that they split this into two movies - usually I'd roll my eyes at Hollywood milking a franchise, but It is a vast brick of a novel and I think a big part of why the mini-series failed is because it's too convoluted, switching back and forth between the main characters as kids and adults and telling their stories simultaneously. It works in a book that's split up by chapters and headings, and by splitting the film into two halves it's the best way of getting that across without confusing the plot.

Overall both movies are really accurate to the novel - there are deviations from the plot, and the ending of Chapter 2 was completely re-written (with constant jabs at King throughout the script for not being able to write a decent ending, with even King himself getting in on it with a cameo) but there's not a lot from the book that I really missed as most of the key elements were there, and those that weren't I could tell why they were omitted.

The biggest thing that I did really miss was I felt the movie could of done a better job of delving in to the insidious influence that Pennywise holds over Derry. In the novel there are several instances throughout the history of the town where really awful, terrible actions have been carried out by the residents, and it's all because of Pennywise feeding off of people's fears and hatred. The two main events caused by Pennywise are The Black Spot, a club frequented by African Americans that becomes the site of a racist massacre, and the homophobic murder of Adrian Mellon. The Black Spot is briefly glossed over in the first movie, easy to miss entirely if you're not looking for it. Chapter 2 opens with the murder of Adrian Mellon which plays out exactly as it does in the novel, but unlike the novel there's never any reason for the scene being there and it just comes across as gratuitous violence. Derry is supposed to represent everything wrong and hateful in American society, a haunted town with Pennywise orchestrating and feeding off of every negative event. And the movie completely misses the mark on that aspect, and simply tells a coming of age story with Pennywise targeting a few specific kids - their own personal nightmare, rather than society's.

Chapter 2 also wasn't as scary as the first movie. Although I love horror, I'm also a big weenie and deliberately saw an early showing of It so that I wouldn't have to go to bed straight after and feel scared, but for this movie I just wasn't scared at all. The worst scene for me was with Beverly in her old home, but I found most of the scares were ruined with really obvious CGI, which was a shame as I remember thinking how seamless the CGI was in the first movie. I appreciate that CGI is hugely necessary in a movie like this and don't mind it being used generally, but it was at the point where it interfered with Bill Skarsgård's performance and made him feel less threatening. And my final moan is with Harry Bowers, a plot line that just didn't really go anywhere or seem necessary and I wish he'd been used to better effect.

Overall I really loved it though! I think they did a great job of adapting it to the screen, which is a bigger task than most give credit for as adaptations that stay too close to the novel usually suck as it's a different medium, but at the same time you've got to keep the original fans happy. The casting was phenomenal, the adult cast really did look like the kids grown up and at no point did I wonder who was supposed to be who. I really loved their chemistry and the dynamic between the older and younger versions, everyone was perfect and personally I thought the humour was great. Richie and Eddie were my favourite, and I loved the angle given to their relationship in the closing scenes.

I can't wait until it's released on DVD and I can watch the two movies back to back as I think that's how they'll play best. Chapter 2 probably doesn't stand up as a movie in it's own right, like you couldn't just see that one and understand what's going on, but I also feel like the clue is in the name with it being called 'Chapter 2' and there's no reason for it be a stand alone movie. I only mention it as I know that's been a bit of an overall complaint, but I don't see how it's a criticism myself.

I guess I did end up getting a little more analytical in this entry than I expected, but it's only because I know the source material so well! I'm looking forward to writing more about film and reflecting on the things I'm watching in a more personal way.

What'll I do? What'll I do? What an unusual view!

I went to see Dumbo today, I'm still not completely sure what I thought of it but I guess it lived up to expectations? I should preface this by saying that the original animation is one of my favourite Disney movies of all time so I didn't have high hopes for this movie going in, but I was excited for it nonetheless as I love a good circus theme, I thought Danny DeVito was perfectly cast as the ringmaster, I was pleased to see Michael Keaton as he's been one of my favourite actors since I was a kid but he's been in a lot of lousy movies, and I thought the CGI of Dumbo looked well done. And to be fair all of those expectations were met: the vintage circus theming was great, DeVito and Keaton gave great performances, and even if the CGI was a bit overused in other parts of the move the elephants themselves were great. The first half of the movie I was actually really enjoying it, but then the second act happened and they went to Dreamland and it became the Dumbo sequel no one asked for, featuring 80% less Dumbo and focusing on a bunch of human characters I couldn't care less about. And because it focused so much less on Dumbo, it forgot the original film's observations of sadness, loneliness, and the bond between mother and child. Yes Dumbo got sad and missed his mum and a lot of the plot revolved around freeing Mrs Jumbo, but it lacked the emotional pull. Dumbo wasn't soul crushingly lonely because he had two bland kids who could barely act following him absolutely everywhere. He wasn't mocked and rejected by the other elephants in the circus because they weren't there. He had minimal interactions with his mother, and what he did have were rushed so their separation and reunion were lackluster. I know its its own movie and a remake has the right to exist in it's own context, that's a point I believe strongly and I think it's incredibly small minded to state that a story can't be revisited because a version already exists - people have the right to interpret a story in a way that's meaningful to them and retell that story in their own vision. But comparing it to the original is obviously a natural reaction, and for me it doesn't come close.

It had a lot of references to the original; Baby Mine was beautifully done although significantly shorter, I loved that they kept Casey Jr, that the stork visited Mrs Jumbo, they did include my main man Timothy even though just barely - I appreciated that the kids placed him next to Dumbo and stated that everybody needs a friend so the mouse (who was unnamed but wearing Timothy's iconic red jacket and hat) could be Dumbo's friend, and then they proceeded to feed the mouse peanuts. I loved how Danny Elfman wove elements of the original soundtrack into the new one - the film basically opened with an instrumental version of Casey, Jr, and OMG let me tell you about Pink Elephants on Parade! I know everyone always says this scene in the original is creepy nightmare fuel, and whilst I agree to an extent the sheer artistry of the animation in that scene has always held me spellbound and I love it. The scene existed in this movie too, but it was part of the circus act instead of being a drunk hallucination, and let me tell you it was PERFECT. I would watch the movie again for that scene alone, it was so beautifully done, the score was amazing, and Dumbo watching it awestruck from the wings was one of the purest scenes in the whole movie.

Overall I'm still not sure how I feel about it honestly. It had some beautifully done scenes, but I didn't appreciate how it had become so focused on the humans and moved away so much from Dumbo. I didn't like how the humans were talking to Dumbo and he could understand them - the humans are entirely separate in the original, mostly anonymous characters who barely exist in the animals world and they certainly don't communicate. Communication is such a huge theme in the original and is kind of the whole point of why Dumbo's mute, so allowing the humans to talk to him so easily lost that entire pathos to the story. Overall it just felt a bit messy, it got too sidetracked by what should of been the side plot, and lost track of what made the original so great in the first place and just doesn't possess the same magic and wonder. Which is pretty much what I expected of it going in.

I know Disney has quite a few releases coming up this year: there's the live action Aladdin which I'm excited for as I don't have any strong feelings about the original animation, and the new The Lion King which I'm dubious about as I do have strong feelings about the original. Then there's Toy Story 4 which I could't care much about to be perfectly honest as I feel like those characters are being stretched too far by now. And Frozen II at the end of the year which I'm VERY anxious about as the original is so very important to me and it's always nerve wracking having characters that hold such personal meaning being taken into new territory. What are you looking forward to most this year from Disney?