Music is your only friend

I went to a record fair today, which I don't think I've done in about 5 years? And I forgot how fun it is! It gives me a lot of anxiety too, it shouldn't but it does as I feel so out of place, so afraid of my choices being judged. Because the handful of records I've bought the past few years have all been from Amazon or HMV I'd completely forgotten the thrill of the search, and the excitement when you find something you like - I saw a copy of Tom Waits' Bastards which reminded me of going on an adventure to a completely different city for Record Store Day to buy it along with the rest of the Orphans set and Piper At The Gates of Dawn. They had so many great records that it was difficult to narrow my choices down (but I did!) and I recognized how skewed my opinion of how expensive vinyl has gotten is just because of HMV. Record fairs are much the same as they've always been, some sellers pushing their luck of course but that's nothing new. It made me feel really excited about this old hobby again, and if I could get over my stupid anxiety and feelings of inferiority I'll bet I could find a good community out of it. I realize I've been hiding in the anonymity of HMV which isn't the best way, and that's why I've felt so ambivalent towards vinyl and started collecting CDs. I still like CDs and want to collect them - I want to collect everything on CD and reserve vinyl for the albums I really care about - but I was thinking of giving up vinyl completely as I was no longer seeing the appeal of it, and now I wonder if I haven't just been hiding because of the community aspect surrounding vinyl. Vinyl takes me out of my comfort zone in a way that CDs don't, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

I also want to acknowledge that this anxiety hasn't sprung up out of nowhere, and I've experienced a lot of sexism in these spaces. For being a female in a mostly male orientated hobby, and having men presuming my music taste or that I know less than I do about what I'm buying and trying to lecture me. This was my outfit because I'm tired of toning myself down to be taken seriously. I'm learning not to be afraid of being myself again.

dress + cardigan: secret honey // shoes + bag: angelic pretty // beret: primark

The time is gone, the song is over, thought I'd something more to say

Photos from this week! It's been a pretty relaxed one overall, which has been nice. It's been cold and I've just wanted to stay inside and be cozy and do slow activities like read and paint.

I collected some moss from my little Totoro terrarium! I wasn't going to as the moss always dies, but I'm determined to look after it better this time as i just love how it looks. I used to put stuff on the glass to stop the condensation, but I actually prefer it? It makes more sense for Totoro to be holding his umbrella!

I'm really trying to make an effort to read more, I used to be an avid reader growing up, at least a book a week and I don't know what happened but I miss it. I found a bunch of my old books in a cupboard, I think this is the first Stephen King book I ever read? And I've read most of them now except the Dark Tower series! I got this because I remember Iliked the movie of Secret Window. I'm not rereading all of the novellas, just The Library Policeman which I remember as being the creepiest.

I painted this money pot. I've been wanting one of those savings pots that you smash to enter for a while as I'm bad at raiding my savings, but they all come with such tacky designs. So I painted over it. It's not perfect, but I wasn't after creating a masterpiece as I still have to smash it up some day!

Oh, Chops. He's a villager I had back in Animal Crossing New Leaf, and when I got New Horizons he was the first villager to my campsite so it kind of felt like he'd come over from my old Island. We became pretty good buddies (I like the smug villagers for some reason) but when I wanted another campsite villager to move in he got kicked off and I felt SO BAD. I regretted it instantly and kept hoping to find him on a Nook Island, but I gave up and decided to just get his Amiibo card. He is kinda ugly, but I love him anyway.

My new Filofax arrived and I had fun putting it all together. I love notebooks and organisation so much!! I've even thought about starting a "study gram" on Instagram for the longest time.

An albino squirrel that currently lives down our lane. He seems to have poor eyesight so I hope he makes it!

I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention

Emily Temple Cute dress, Wicked jacket, Primark shoes and socks

I saw this fashion questionnaire on the wonderful Mermaiden's blog and knew straight away that I wanted to take part. I miss when blogs used to have fun little writing prompts, and we'd tag each other with various questions and awards (who remembers the Liebster?). It felt so much more personal as you'd feel like you got more of an insight into the person behind the blog. I also have personal reasons for wanting to do this, which is that I've felt a bit in a style rut these past few months, tending to stick to specific outfit combinations rather than experimenting, and I'm hoping that being pushed to think about things a little more might push me out of that comfort zone!

'Ah, but there are three hundred and sixty four unbirthdays!'

It was my birthday last week, and I made myself a dress for the occasion from some Frozen fabric I had lying around. I spent the day down in London with my mum, and as I usually only go to London to go to the theatre it felt kind of weird not seeing anything, but my mum vehemently hates musical theatre and I'm on a self imposed ban as I'm seeing so much in New York next month. So we had a nice chill day and walked around the main city centre looking in various shops (clocking up 10 miles on my fitbit), and then had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe which I'd actually never been to before despite seeing them everywhere. We went to the one in Piccadilly, and the waitress told us that that particular restaurant had only opened 3 days before which was a funny coincidence as we were clueless. My last birthday was such an event with me seeing Roger Waters that this year was bound to feel low key in comparison, but it was still a really nice day.

I recieved some lovely things through the post yesterday, don't you love it when all of your parcels arrive on the same day? It felt like my birthday all over again! I ordered a couple of dresses from Chinese site Taobao, a site I hadn't used it years and felt terribly rusty with, but my shopping service made the process a breeze and I definitely recommend them. The beautiful butterfly collared dress has been on my wishlist for over a year and I finally succumbed, but who can blame me. And I've been after these limited edition Frozen dolls for an age as they usually sell for crazy money. But my patience was rewarded, and now I have both sets of Elsa and Hans! My two favourite characters, I just adore how they look together on my shelf.

One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter

This dress was my latest make, something I finally got around to after the fabric sat in my stash for over a year! I was inspired by a really beautiful mushroom print dress I saw on Instagram, but when I looked it up and saw it cost £200 I thought yikes and found this fabric on Spoonflower to make my own.

A couple of weeks ago I learnt about the closing of Rookie and it got me on a real nostalgia kick. I admit I haven't read Rookie or even checked it's homepage for a few years, which was a really sad realisation as I used to love it. I discovered so many blogs through it's comment section of girls who were simultaneously so relatable whilst also feeling so much cooler than me! Blogging has changed so much in such a short space of time, and for me Rookie really encapsulated the best of it - when girls blogged like it was an online scrapbook, rather than the staged editorial style we get nowadays. So many of my favourite bloggers from back then have given up and no longer update, almost like a foreshadowing that Rookie would go the same way. Not that I'm one to talk, like I said I no longer read Rookie myself, but I found Tavi's final editorial letter moving as it's so easy to lose your voice and your authenticity online today. I've always thought of myself as an authentic blogger, but I realise I'm no where near as authentic as I used to be as I often find myself thinking that my blog needs to be more interesting - because being real doesn't qualify as 'interesting' anymore I suppose?

I dug out my Rookie yearbook 1 & 2, and bought 3 & 4 on eBay for a couple of quid. I always loved the aesthetic of these books, they're like big zines. It's weird reading back over them and realising how much Rookie taught me; it made me realise how universal so many of my experiences were and that there were people like me out there, and also that there are people that are different out there, and encouraged me to think more.

In the spirit of getting back to blogging like I used to, here's a playlist of songs I'm digging at the moment. For no reason other than I want to post it, which I need to get back to doing more of!

Must be the season of the witch

Winter has well and truly blown itself in, it feels as though the seasons changed over night and these photos in the autumn sun suddenly feel much longer ago than they were!

I don’t really feel like I have a lot to share lately as my October has mostly been spent recuperating, whilst planning for some personal projects which I hope to complete by the end of the year and working towards the bigger picture. I’ve been setting up lots of little goals for myself to reach with a timeline in mind, not something I’m usually down for as I feel like I’m setting myself up for disappointment but I’m feeling incredibly motivated at the moment and my thoughts have never been clearer to me. I just hope I can stick to it and don’t lose track of it all, hence the goals.

It’s so easy to get sucked into the comfort of a mundane routine and forget to push yourself to grow further, but I don’t want to get trapped in fantasies of “what if”s and “one day”s, I want to make them a reality sooner rather than later. I’m not sure where I want to end up and what the ultimate ambition is yet, but maybe that’s half the fun. I’d rather just enjoy the journey and work away at the littler things and see where I end up than wait around until I’ve worked everything out - assuming that ever even happens! One thing I've definately learnt as I've gotten older is that there's no point planning too far ahead as you really don't know where life will take you.

dress and underskirt - axes femme / blouse - ebay / boots - new look / cape - 1970s vintage

You can learn a lot of things from the flowers

I took these photos about a month ago, I can never resist sunflowers. Did you notice that my dress is covered in Moomin characters? I love a bit of subtle whimsy. The autumn colours have been amazing this year, although I do wish that they'd hold on for just a tiny bit longer. I've begun taking my camera out with me everyday as it's been so different from day to day.

Social media is becoming less and less sociable

Although the glorious sunny weather of today does match these photos, I admit I took them a couple of weeks ago but have been too busy to sit and type out a post until now. I had surgery on my dominant arm this past Friday to remove a plate that was holding it together, so I've had a busy couple of weeks trying to do everything I could in preparation for not being able to do a lot.

The most difficult part of having to have such an inactive October is the fact that I feel like I'm missing out on my favourite season. I'm incredibly limited at the moment as my forearm is full of holes so could snap very easily which is a scary thought! I can't even draw which I'm definitely finding the hardest. Not that I haven't gone for longer than this without drawing before, but I've recently come out of a period of art block and so typically am feeling incredibly inspired at the moment. I feel so much happier with the artwork I'm creating, and although skill and style-wise I'm not where I'd ideally like to be, just feeling inspired to do something about that is pretty huge for me.

dress - emily temple cute | underskirt - axes femme | boots - new look | necklace - bunnyhell | all else thrifted

I've been devouring TheGothicAlice's sketchbook tour videos, a genre of YouTube video that I usually detest as they're usually so unrealistic and impractical with perfectly curated finalised illustrations on every page. Sketchbooks are supposed to be messy, to be full of ideas and experimentation, and that's exactly what TheGothicAlice's are - something personal that she carries around daily and treats just as much like a journal as a sketchbook. It's got me itching to return to drawing everyday like I used to and stopped me from feeling so intimidated by it's blank pages as I loose that toxic idea that it has to be perfect and cohesive for some imaginary audience to enjoy. This feeling of wanting to draw every day has only been reinforced by re-watching Leigh Ellexson's videos about her 365 project where she drew every day and seeing how much it improved her artwork. I really want to do something similar, but not to share online like she did, just keep it for me. I know I lose a sense of accountability this way, but I'm rather tired of this modern idea that everything a creative makes has to be shared and put up for public opinion and consumption.

Internet culture has tricked us into believing we must create for attention. But that only leads to unhappiness & disappointment. Create stuff because you HAVE to. Because you love it. Because you're utterly fascinated. Create like no-one is watching. 💃

— Holly Exley (@hollyexley) June 12, 2018

I've been thinking a lot about internet culture lately, and the unsocialness of social media. I remember a few years ago my favourite blogger switched off comments to her blog and at the time I felt completely perplexed - her blog was popular and received hundreds of comments to each entry, it blew my mind that she wouldn't want that. But now I get it, as I realise that social media isn't as sociable as we're lead to believe. It's become warped into this attention seeking space, as if attention and interaction are the same thing which it isn’t. Wanting to express yourself and share your interests with potentially like minded people doesn’t mean you want to open yourself up to unsolicited advice and people making assumptions based on the slither of yourself you present online. The actual community aspect of social media is rapidly disappearing and I’ve grown weary of the constant bids for attention that come with being online. Internet culture has us in constant competition with each other, instead of just befriending one another.

I've been just as guilty of this in the past as I've suffered with feelings of impostor syndrome and have sought validation online. I mentioned before how I've spent the past few months rediscovering some old interests and passions which has made me feel happier than I have in absolutely years (which is no doubt why the art block has lifted!). And a rather nice side effect of rediscovering this old part of my life is that it's making me even more nostalgic than usual for the internet of old and reminding me of online life before ‘influencers’ and follower counts mattered, when we’d interact on forums and support each other with no 'follow for follow' ulterior motive (I long for the days of forums with tight knit fan communities and intricately crafted graphics; back when we'd self-learn HTML and PHP just to build fan sites from scratch, and spend hours creating icons and graphics for LiveJournal). Whilst I may not be able to regress the internet back 6 years, I think a lot of my happiness is stemming from this nostalgia and losing the absurd need try and impress anyone. I've learnt to stop caring as I'm no longer looking for popularity or validation, I'm not looking to be the best, or the biggest fan, or anything like that, I'm just enjoying stuff that I'm absurdly passionate about again. And I'm reminded of that favourite blogger who switched off comments, and I get it now - because sometimes that outside interference can ruin things.

I've realised that this is why I've struggled with blogging in recent years. It's become something ridiculous where you have to show off in order to be interesting, but that's not what interests me. I don't care how much you spend on your clothing or art supplies, I don't care how many times you've seen your favourite stage production or band, and I'm utterly bored of people constantly trying to be an expert and act like the single biggest fan of a particular thing. Life isn't a competition to be won or lost. Let's have less shouting, less boasting. Take things slow, just enjoy stuff, and create things just for you because you want to and no other reason.

Silly Old Bear

Winnie The Pooh always meant a lot to me growing up like I previously explained, ever more so since re-reading the books as an adult and being charmed by the characters and their wise wit all over again. Secret Honey are a Japanese brand with full licensing by Disney, and for many years have been releasing exquisite original clothing inspired by various characters. I've collected a few of their dresses over the years and always enjoy browsing the new releases, but this Winnie The Pooh dress passed under my radar until recently when I spied it in the sale section - so it worked out in my favour! I adore how it's based around the map of 100 Acre Wood which features in each book, and it feels perfect for autumn.

Most of my days lately have been spent drawing (my recent Oz infatuation has really gotten my creative juices flowing and taught me to enjoy drawing again, it's a nice bubble to be in), reading, and walking through the fields to watch the seasons change. The fruit is plentiful and I've already been foraging in the hedgerows. I just love this time of year, although everything is dying it somehow feels renewed and full of hope.

I've also been making the most of my railcard and traveling as much as possible. I've always enjoyed the train, and the quiet moment of calm it provides to bookend the adventures. It's my favourite place to read, which is a shame as it isn't terribly practical for me to get the train often! I attended a record fair this past Sunday that was several towns over where I managed to complete my Pink Floyd LP collection, and this week I shall be traveling down to London to go to the theatre. I'm due to have surgery at the beginning of October which will no doubt cut my autumn rather short (it's on my dominant arm which will render it unusable for several weeks - so no drawing for me, but hopefully plenty of reading) so I'm determined to make the most of September.

“Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.”

― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh

Stood in a field where barley grows

I meant to post sooner, but my laptop unfortunately bit the dust! I’m hoping it can be repaired, and kicking myself as it’s my own fault. I dropped my (empty!) mug onto the keyboard, and the impact damaged the hard drive. I’m hoping it’s just a simple fix I can do myself. Thankfully I have a desktop computer to use in the meantime, I nearly sold it before as it wasn't getting much use compared to my laptop but I've never been more grateful to have it!

I took these photos when out for a walk near where I live. It still feels too hot to be alive! I know other countries are laughing at how the UK can’t hack it, but we’re a cold country that rarely gets higher than 23°C for a couple of days of the year. We don’t have air conditioning, and our homes are built to retain as much warmth as possible. I do love summer and am trying to make the most of though, as I know I’ll be longing for it as soon as it’s coat weather again. I can’t deny that I’m looking forward to autumn though as it is my favourite season. I always start wishing for it as soon as August comes round and I can feel the days getting slightly shorter. Even if it’s still too warm, I can least wear Autumnal colours.

One of the first things I wanted to do as soon as I came home was visit the antiques malls. There’s so many here, which I really came to appreciate after living in the South West. I saw this fab 70s watch back at Easter, but it felt a little pricey at £22 so I decided to leave it. I hoped it would still be there and it was! I had to get my mum to show me how to wind it, I’m not used to watches not having batteries. I think it’s really versatile though, and suits my modern outfits as well as my vintage.

I also finally got a decent playable copy of Relics by Pink Floyd. This was the first LP I ever bought of Pink Floyd, I ordered it from Discogs and it was in such bad condition I got a full refund. I then bought another copy at my local record shop, but I’ve always been looking to upgrade it and finally all these years later I have.

I'm much too fast to take that test

I abandoned this blog for the most superficial of reasons: I liked it exactly how it was. The posts previous to this one really mean something to me, particularly the entry about Their Mortal Remains. I felt reluctant to push those entries down into the depths so they were no longer on the front where they rightfully belonged. So I left it, a snapshot in time. But as this is my favourite blog I've ever created filled with my favourite entries, I began to think that surely it's a shame to end it there and cut myself off from making future entires I'm as proud of?

Lately I've felt like I want to burn my closet and start again from scratch. I'm so bored of my style, but feeling impulsive and bored is never a wise combination. I've always gone through phases in my life, so I guess it's really nothing new. There was the boho phase, the grunge phase, the goth, the EGL. I'm reluctant to describe my vintage wearing as a phase seeing as it's been such a huge part of my life. But as about 90% of my wardrobe is vintage, prehaps I just went too hard and now I need to go home.

Lately I find myself browsing Lolita brand websites again, pinning Mori and Dolly Kei images, and lusting for all things earth toned. I'm reclaiming old interests such as animated films and childrens literature, old loves which I'd drifted from. Cath Kidston's latest Disney collection proved lethal to the point where I felt directly targeted - Alice has always been my favourite to the point my entire online identity used to be carved from it, and the Cath Kidston style is just the aesthetic I've been coveting lately.

Half of the issue is exactly in what I've just stated - I base my entire online presence around one particular thing and water the rest of myself down. It's difficult not to when so much of blogging and social media is about finding your 'niche' and promoting just that and becoming boringly predictable. It's a method that's always lacked authenticity to me as no one is that one sided, and yet it's a trap I still fall into myself. I'm bored of my old blog and my Instagram as no one cares if it's not vintage I'm posting about, and that just feels sad and hollow to me. I long to express myself fully and embrace all of my interests - the Disney, the J-fashion, the kitsch, the spooky, and the vintage. Which I think is why I've felt so wistful these past months for the old version of me. Because I used to embrace every aspect of myself, but somehow got lost along the way.

In line with that I've been giving my online life a bit of an overhaul. My YouTube channel has had a makeover and I'm aiming to ease it into a fully art based direction as art channels have been my favourite to watch since I discovered them. I've also started a new Instagram account which I hope to be less curated where the only 'theme' is me. I've also begun a new art blog, as I really feel I'd rather base myself around that aspect of my personality. I crave to be known for the work I put my heart and soul into, and less for what I wear and what I buy. I'm not sure when I became so materialistic, but it's uncomfortable and needs to stop.

I've considering taking a bit of a break from all social media except for blogging and YouTube - just a week or so to reset myself. It's alarming how much time I waste scrolling, and how little time I spend doing the things that matter to me, such as reading books, drawing, and writing from my heart. Yet more features of my old self I hope to reconnect with.