For the times they are a-changin'

I was reading through some Tumblr discourse about how much peoples interactions with social media has changed over the last 10 years, which really got me thinking about it all, and not just in the way of monitisation which I think is the most obvious thing. I can't decide if the way it's changed is a good or a bad thing, it's just different, but I do often find myself wishing more for the internet of old, back when it felt more casual and there was a degree of anonymity and we had more control over our identities, but in a less filtered way.

I kind of touched on this in my first blog entry, but it feels like nowadays your actual life is your 'brand' (which is a term that always feels icky to me, we're human beings not brands and it's scary how disconnected people get towards seeing "content creators" as actual people), whereas before the internet used to be more of an escape from the daily performance we go through in our real lives and I think this is where I've always struggled. There used to be a clearer divide between our online and offline selves which allowed us to explore personality facets that we normally kept under wraps. I remember back in the day I'd of died if my school friends found my online accounts because having your internet personality and interests known outside of the internet was embarrassing as hell! It was a different side of myself that I didn't feel I could share with them, a more authentic, dorky side where I could let my freak flag fly. It was all about weirdness, niche communities, fandom, reclamation and creative experimentation, and finding like-minded people and being part of an underground movement. We could all create stuff, regardless of natural talent, camera equipment, editing software, or social media reach, and blogs were messy with florescent backgrounds, flashing graphics, badly spaced formatting, and it was everything that I loved about it. People shared random photos they took without caring about picture quality and good lighting because people were just having fun documenting things that were important to them in that moment. And I miss that!

As social media has become more and more monetized people's motivations have changed, and now we're constantly performing for the consumption of others and online culture has become very much rooted in our physical presence so there’s no longer the divide between our 'offline' and 'online' selves. Even people's online handles are often their real name, which is WILD to me when you think of that internet paper trail following you around, and the fact that I've personally just always appreciated having the two worlds separate. I don't want my employer or people I don't really like finding my online space because it's MINE, and it would make me feel like I had to filter myself down if I felt like I was being judged or it, because I've been bullied enough in my life to know that people won't always come into our personal spaces with kind intentions. Our internet activities can so easily affect our offline lives now, and where are you supposed to escape to when you want to express something other than your combined online/offline self?

I’ve always had this desperate Anxiety that I’m not living my life to it’s fullest and I try to live up to others expectations of how I should be. I end up feeling like I either have to go all out to prove myself or reel myself in completely, only to then grow resentful of the box I've put myself in. I want to be less afraid of what I share, to be vulnerable and honest and unapologetic without feeling the expectations of strangers who don't even know me but think they do. I want to blog like we used to, with bright eyes and AA battery powered digital cameras, when pictures of skylines still seemed unique and you could just capture a moment and it was enough for the novelty of your photo being posted somewhere on the internet without any extra clout. We were impressed with any sort of like minded little corner we found ourselves in, small groups banded together sending clunky letters of admiration back and forth without any toxicity of lurking or judgement, or the fear of anyone coming into our spaces with mean intentions.

Anyway, I've been writing this on and off for like 2 days, I'm currently typing this while watching the worst adaptation of Dracula I've ever seen while trying to recover from a horrid flu. A lot is happening! Hope this was of interest to you!

Another year over, a new one just begun

I've always been really excited by New Year. I know it’s just a day like any other and time is a human construct, but I love anything that signifies clear endings and the feeling of a fresh start. 2019 has been a weird one overall and I've had a bit of a love-hate relationship with it. I've had some truly life changing experiences, but I've been battling myself a lot and been in a bit of a weird funk for the latter half. But at the same time I've got a pretty good idea of what I need to do to help myself, so I guess that's a pretty good place to be. I also think this time last year I was in such an optimistic place that it kind of skewed my expectations and made me look back on 2018 with rose coloured glasses, so this year could never compare which is ridiculous. Especially as a lot of amazing things have happened this year. The biggest of which was always going to be the fact that I finally achieved my life long dream of going to New York and seeing not one, but three shows on Broadway. I was also able to meet my favourite actor Aaron Tveit and he was everything I could of ever hoped he'd be (they say 'never meet your idols' but thankfully all of my experiences have been great ones so far!).

I also visited Disneyland Paris for the first time in years and had the best time meeting all of the characters around the park. I attended London Comic Con and dipped my toes into the world of cosplay, styling my own wig from scratch with no prior experience. I really made the most of travelling around my home country and visited Whitby, Liverpool, Manchester, York, Eden Camp, as well as multiple trips to London. I was able to go to the theatre 11 times in total, and saw Wicked x4, The Phantom of the Opera, Come From Away and High Fidelity in London, and Moulin Rouge x2, Wicked and Frozen on Broadway. I beat my anxiety and stage doored for the first time with the leaving cast of Wicked, a total on the whim moment as I only booked the ticket the day before.

I went down to London with my mum for my birthday and we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe two days after it opened without even knowing. I actually stuck with language learning and developed a pretty good grasp of Danish which has always been a lifetime goal of mine to be able to speak another language, but I never thought I had a head for it until I was able to prove myself wrong. I added lots of amazing things to my personal collections, especially Mika and Frozen. I completed two sketchbooks, and finished Inktober for the first time in my life. I went to the cinema more times than I ever have before in my entire life, 17 times in total (8 of which were just seeing Joker over and over, but still!) I even went to the cinema in France and saw my favourite movie in French.

Last year I wrote that I wanted to "continue to throw myself into the things that I'm passionate about and stop feeling apologetic about it all and stay enthusiastic and true to myself and my heart", and although my usual insecurity ate into that a bit, it's something I'm striving for in 2020 too as I believe having passion for what you enjoy and what you do is what will get you far in all aspects of life. Whilst I do have my long term goals that'll take a few years to happen, I'm starting 2020 much less sure of where I'll go than when I started 2019, but maybe that's OK. I may have less of a plan but I have plenty of options to try too, and that's pretty exciting!

Social media is becoming less and less sociable

Although the glorious sunny weather of today does match these photos, I admit I took them a couple of weeks ago but have been too busy to sit and type out a post until now. I had surgery on my dominant arm this past Friday to remove a plate that was holding it together, so I've had a busy couple of weeks trying to do everything I could in preparation for not being able to do a lot.

The most difficult part of having to have such an inactive October is the fact that I feel like I'm missing out on my favourite season. I'm incredibly limited at the moment as my forearm is full of holes so could snap very easily which is a scary thought! I can't even draw which I'm definitely finding the hardest. Not that I haven't gone for longer than this without drawing before, but I've recently come out of a period of art block and so typically am feeling incredibly inspired at the moment. I feel so much happier with the artwork I'm creating, and although skill and style-wise I'm not where I'd ideally like to be, just feeling inspired to do something about that is pretty huge for me.

dress - emily temple cute | underskirt - axes femme | boots - new look | necklace - bunnyhell | all else thrifted

I've been devouring TheGothicAlice's sketchbook tour videos, a genre of YouTube video that I usually detest as they're usually so unrealistic and impractical with perfectly curated finalised illustrations on every page. Sketchbooks are supposed to be messy, to be full of ideas and experimentation, and that's exactly what TheGothicAlice's are - something personal that she carries around daily and treats just as much like a journal as a sketchbook. It's got me itching to return to drawing everyday like I used to and stopped me from feeling so intimidated by it's blank pages as I loose that toxic idea that it has to be perfect and cohesive for some imaginary audience to enjoy. This feeling of wanting to draw every day has only been reinforced by re-watching Leigh Ellexson's videos about her 365 project where she drew every day and seeing how much it improved her artwork. I really want to do something similar, but not to share online like she did, just keep it for me. I know I lose a sense of accountability this way, but I'm rather tired of this modern idea that everything a creative makes has to be shared and put up for public opinion and consumption.

Internet culture has tricked us into believing we must create for attention. But that only leads to unhappiness & disappointment. Create stuff because you HAVE to. Because you love it. Because you're utterly fascinated. Create like no-one is watching. 💃

— Holly Exley (@hollyexley) June 12, 2018

I've been thinking a lot about internet culture lately, and the unsocialness of social media. I remember a few years ago my favourite blogger switched off comments to her blog and at the time I felt completely perplexed - her blog was popular and received hundreds of comments to each entry, it blew my mind that she wouldn't want that. But now I get it, as I realise that social media isn't as sociable as we're lead to believe. It's become warped into this attention seeking space, as if attention and interaction are the same thing which it isn’t. Wanting to express yourself and share your interests with potentially like minded people doesn’t mean you want to open yourself up to unsolicited advice and people making assumptions based on the slither of yourself you present online. The actual community aspect of social media is rapidly disappearing and I’ve grown weary of the constant bids for attention that come with being online. Internet culture has us in constant competition with each other, instead of just befriending one another.

I've been just as guilty of this in the past as I've suffered with feelings of impostor syndrome and have sought validation online. I mentioned before how I've spent the past few months rediscovering some old interests and passions which has made me feel happier than I have in absolutely years (which is no doubt why the art block has lifted!). And a rather nice side effect of rediscovering this old part of my life is that it's making me even more nostalgic than usual for the internet of old and reminding me of online life before ‘influencers’ and follower counts mattered, when we’d interact on forums and support each other with no 'follow for follow' ulterior motive (I long for the days of forums with tight knit fan communities and intricately crafted graphics; back when we'd self-learn HTML and PHP just to build fan sites from scratch, and spend hours creating icons and graphics for LiveJournal). Whilst I may not be able to regress the internet back 6 years, I think a lot of my happiness is stemming from this nostalgia and losing the absurd need try and impress anyone. I've learnt to stop caring as I'm no longer looking for popularity or validation, I'm not looking to be the best, or the biggest fan, or anything like that, I'm just enjoying stuff that I'm absurdly passionate about again. And I'm reminded of that favourite blogger who switched off comments, and I get it now - because sometimes that outside interference can ruin things.

I've realised that this is why I've struggled with blogging in recent years. It's become something ridiculous where you have to show off in order to be interesting, but that's not what interests me. I don't care how much you spend on your clothing or art supplies, I don't care how many times you've seen your favourite stage production or band, and I'm utterly bored of people constantly trying to be an expert and act like the single biggest fan of a particular thing. Life isn't a competition to be won or lost. Let's have less shouting, less boasting. Take things slow, just enjoy stuff, and create things just for you because you want to and no other reason.