My future is unlimited

At the end of May I went down to London for MCM Comic Con, which I hadn't been to since 2011 I think? Cosplay is something I've often been intrigued by and dipped my toe into now and then, I think it's an obvious hobby with me being a bit of a nerd about my interests and being a dress maker and overall crafty type. Confidence is what I lack, but I figured I'd never have any if I didn't force myself out of my comfort zone, so that's what I did.

I had intended to go as Coronation Elsa, but the weather ended up being far too warm so last minute I switched to a more casual Elsa look with my Secret Honey set and a wig I styled myself. I think it was a good choice as having a more casual outfit stopped me feeling quite so anxious about the whole thing, but it was obvious enough as a cosplay that little girls gasped when they saw me (always a wonderful feeling that makes me truly feel like the character!)

I came home brimming with future cosplay ideas, including cross-play which isn't an idea I'd even really thought of before for some reason? I don't know why, I guess I just felt like because I'm a girl I have to stick to female characters, but I saw some wonderful female cosplayers convincingly portraying male characters and felt inspired! It's definitely brand new territory, but something I'd really love to explore.

Although I only went to Comic Con on the Saturday, I made a whole weekend of the trip. On Friday I saw Come From Away which I actually went into completely blind and hadn't even listened to the soundtrack before, but I wanted to see something and knew it got rave reviews and nothing else grabbed me. Saturday after Comic Con I quickly nipped back to my hotel to de-Elsafy myself before going to see Wicked. It'll probably be my last time seeing it for a little while, and so my last time seeing the current cast who I really love which felt a bit sad. I also got to see Chris Jarman play the Wizard, who was fantastic! The next time I see Wicked will be at the Gershwin Theatre in New York, which feels beyond surreal!

I can't resist taking a thousand photos of the Time Dragon every time, I love the set design for Wicked so much!

Sunday was a pretty chilled out day and I spent most of it with my sketchbook. I did some sketching in the museums, then sat in Starbucks and watched the city go by while I finished off some Wicked illustrations as I felt inspired after seeing it again. I found Comic Con hugely inspiring as well, as it got me thinking about translating my work into products and what might work. I'm working on expanding my Wicked character set and I plan on turning them into key ring charms and sticker sheets - I've already got Boq and Nessarose sketched out.

title // Wicked - The Wizard and I

"Stop trying. Take long walks. Look at scenery. Doze off at noon. Don’t even think about flying. And then, pretty soon, you’ll be flying again."

I've really been loving my sketchbook lately, I just can't stop drawing and can't tell you how wonderful that feels. If you didn't know, I completed a BA(Hons) degree in Illustration last year, a feat in itself with all of the illness I've been dealing with along the way. I had art block before I even started my degree, and I think a lot of it has been mental health related and being in such a bad place zapping my creativity. I had hoped that doing a degree would help me figure stuff out and find my motivation, but naturally it came with it's own difficulties. Although I was forced to draw to complete assignments, I was left with no time for experimentation as it was more important to churn out work to meet deadlines, so although I got an insight into the industry there wasn't any room to find my feet artistically. And with such a heavy emphasis being put on commercializing work and fitting yourself into a box, my work had never felt more restrictive as I had brand new ways to pick myself apart and tell myself my work wasn't good enough. I wrote a lot more about my art journey here, but suffice to say it's been a difficult journey and I honestly didn't see myself getting to this point.

After graduating I felt like throwing in the towel and giving up on art altogether, just keeping it as something strictly for myself with no outside pressure. Then last autumn I had a turning point and hit my stride, organically found a style I loved working in that feels like my own instead of incarnations of other people's work that I'm trying to mimic (like trying to draw in the standardized Disney way), and have almost completed my first sketchbook in years.

Generally I see my sketchbook as something very private and I'm quite guarded about it, mostly because for me personally if I think of my sketchbook as something that other people might see then I start looking at it through that perfectionist lens and it becomes something performative. A sketchbook is very personal and journal like anyway, so it makes sense for it to be just for the artist - you wouldn't ask to flip through someone's diary, and it's basically a visual version of that. But saying that, I'm so proud of my work and what I've accomplished that I can't help but want to show off some pages I really love.

I really started using this sketchbook in October 2018, so all of this work is from the last 7 months and I'm only 10 pages away from filling up the whole book. I'm bouncing off the walls about that! I've been using a Leuchtturm1917 sketchbook which I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with, but I'll definitely be buying another of this brand regardless - the fact that I don't 100% love the paper quality is forcing me to not get too caught up in filling it with finished art pieces so I can be a bit rougher with it. Plus it comes in such pretty colours!

I'm also at a point where I want to give my art career another go. Especially as I now feel like I have my own identity as an illustrator and know which direction I want to work in. I’ve always felt that I had to build an audience before I invested in creating my art as a business, but I've realised now that that’s the wrong way around. It’s up to me to make this happen and believe in the quality of my work as a saleable product, not sit around waiting for demand to happen. I'm currently making a list of the kinds of products I want to create featuring my work, sourcing suppliers and thinking about stockists, putting together zines (something I always wanted to make but never knew what it should be about - now I have 7 without even really trying), building more of my portfolio and creating a website, and just having more fun with my work again.

I post finished pieces to my art blog, Instagram, deviantArt, and Tumblr if you want to stay up to date with things I'm creating, but I'll definitely keep sharing the odd thing over here from time to time too.

title // Kiki's Delivery Service

Picture perfect, a life that you saw in a magazine or maybe a traveling book

I've been thinking a lot about travel lately as I've really been kicking things up a gear with arranging and planning things for my trip to New York, and I finally have all of my tickets for Broadway booked! Exciting!! I really never thought this would be happening and it just feels so incredibly surreal, and I don't think it will feel real until I'm actually there. This is a trip I always told myself I'd do someday, and last November I made a bit of a snap decision and decided that as Moulin Rouge! would be opening on Broadway, and as Moulin Rouge! is my favourite movie and the Broadway show contains some of my favourite actors, that THAT would be my goal and I set my mind on seeing it soon after it opened on Broadway instead of watching it all happen secondhand through the internet like usual. Setting my mind like that made me excited at the prospect of knowing it would happen at some point so it felt less 'one day' pie in the sky, but as no opening date had been announced yet I could still be comfy in knowing it was far enough in the future not to worry about.

Then just a few weeks after making that decision, presale tickets were announced with an opening night announcement and suddenly my ideas became real! I was so anxious of letting the opportunity pass me by that I decided to select a random date and buy a ticket for then, figuring that I'd fly to New York for just that one evening if it came down to that. But thankfully it hasn't come down to that, and I've managed to book myself a whole trip around that one random date I picked from the sky (although I'm still anxious something's going to go wrong and I won't get to go and that I'm jinxing myself just by telling you all of this!!)

Because this trip has got so much pinned to it for me, I've wanted to make it perfect. Last time I went traveling was to Italy last year, and I really didn't have a very good time at all. A lot of it came down to my confidence having taken a massive hit and general mental health being incredibly low. Thankfully I'm in a much better place so I think it will all be fine, but there was one chapter of my book that particularly spoke to me:

"Over the years, in your life back home, you have learned how to avoid situations of awkwardness. You have become an expert at working around your diffidence and your fear of being the unwelcome focus of attention. But, of course, there's been a price to pay for your expertise at defensiveness. Whenever something feels alien or in any way threatening, your instinct has been to retreat, and you've missed out on a lot.

But now, abroad, fitting in is no longer an option. You are the stupid foreigner. Or course you can't know what you're supposed to do. Everyone stares at you wherever you go. It sounds bad but, surprisingly, such extremity starts to offer you a sort of liberation. Maybe fitting in is overrated. Maybe not looking like a fool is simply not an option in any rich and interesting life, wherever it may unfold."

All of my anxieties around travel centre around standing out, about appearing the "stupid foreigner" and wanting to blend in as seamlessly as a local. I think a big part of why I enjoyed going to Japan so much is that I couldn't hide because my very ethnicity made me stand out so I was forced to fully embrace the awkwardness. I need to lose that fear of appearing like a tourist, as if that's even a bad thing!! Travel is good and I should be proud of myself for doing these things, not shuffling round the edges hoping not to be noticed as if I’m doing something indecent. I want to really push myself this trip, and go to restaurants by myself instead of hiding in the safety of convenience food, not being afraid to talk to people around me - another chapter in the book it states how tourism separates us from the actual people of the places we're visiting. We spend all of this money to go and visit landmarks, look at the culture, taste the food, but with never getting directly involved by simply talking to the locals - "They remain shadowy, occasional figures: the guy by the pool, the taxi driver from the airport, the nice lady who took us on the trip through the forest...Most of the places we want to travel to are associated with a distinctive way of being: an implicit personality...It's a range of human virtues that draw us to places, but we're normally only permitted to encounter these via their external, cultural expressions. We don't really want to shop or see pictures; we want to talk. Yet we remain - painfully - outsiders."

I'm going to ease up on the documenting of the trip too, as I think I've inadvertently ruined previous vacations by being obsessed with photographing and taking notes of everything with the intention of blogging/vlogging about it later instead of actually enjoying the moment. I am going to vlog and photograph things, but not like before. When Flickr changed their terms and began charging for accounts at the beginning of the year I was forced to sort through my account that I've had for 13 years. It holds so many memories, and the biggest thing I noticed was how few photos I had from various trips. My album for Disneyland Paris contained less photos for 5 trips combined than I take for 1 visit nowadays, and the photos I did take were charming in their way because I didn't care about angles or the quality of the actual photographs as I was never really thinking about sharing stuff, I just liked to document things. And that's what I want to get back to. I don't need my photo to be perfectly aligned from the right angle to be valid, it doesn't make it a better memory if it looks good on Instagram. I've bought a traveler's notebook to fill out with memories while I'm there, and stick all of my keepsakes into and having it as something fun to look back on just for me.

There's a peace the early brings

I took these photos a couple of weeks ago, when the weather was really miserable. It's actually my favourite kind of weather, where there are signs of spring all around - flowers popping up through the grass, buds on the trees. But the weather feels like autumn, with air that's still and wet with fog on every horizon. It's confusing, as I feel almost like I should be getting ready for the hibernation of winter again instead of preparing for summer. It's strange how the seasons are often more about the feelings it stirs inside us rather than the outside world. Autumn is my favourite season as it makes me feel nostalgic, although why exactly I can never put my finger on. I guess it's to do with new beginnings as it's hardwired into us from a young age that autumn is the start of a fresh academic year.

I took these photos with my DSLR, and I had thought about getting rid of this camera as I tend to favour my G7X Mark II with it's portability (or even my phone honestly). I'd forgotten how much I enjoy having full control over my pictures, of selecting the lens and the depth of field. Sometimes it's not about the pictures themselves, but the fun in taking them.

And take a giant step outside your mind

Yesterday I popped down to London to see Wicked for the first time in ages, and I can't tell you how much better I feel for having gone!

I had the whole day in London, and as I'm trying to tighten my belt a bit and felt a bit bored of only ever visiting the shopping districts I decided to go to the V&A as I haven't been since the Pink Floyd exhibition closed. I had thought to visit the Mary Quant exhibition that's just opened but tickets were sold out and it didn't end up mattering. I went upstairs to see the Theatre & Performance section and marveled at all of the Beatrix Potter illustrations I passed. And the theatre exhibition was fab and it's been so many years since I've seen it that it all felt new. And they had Elphaba's dress!! I knew that it was there but I'd completely forgotten so it was a really happy surprise turning the corner and stumbling across it. It's the original dress that Idina Menzel wore on Broadway which is pretty amazing, and seeing all of the details and rich colours up close was a joy. Even when I'm looking at it up on stage I've always been obsessed with just how colourful it is and how the stage lights play with the different fabrics. I would really love to make my own version of it someday for cosplay but I feel like I'd never be able to do it justice as it's just so intricate and carefully designed.

I popped to the V&A shop and just bought some EH Shepard postcards. I missed his exhibition, I knew it was on at the time but I ended up not getting round to it which I'm a bit disappointed about, but I really loved these postcards I managed to pick up. I love seeing his notes on them, seeing other illustrators rough workings is one of my favourite things.

After the V&A I walked up to Oxford Street which ended up being a bit further than I realised and slightly scary because of all of the protesting, but I wanted to go to the Disney Store. Almost the whole top floor is now adult merchandise which made me so happy! Also the fact that they're selling more than just boring t-shirts and hoodies like most companies (not everyone likes the athletic-leisure look!). I can really feel the Japanese influence trickling down at long last as they've sold this kind of stuff over there for years. I did buy a dress but it's ended up being too big, so I'm going to have to decide whether to take it back or alter it. I then made my way to Victoria by walking down the mall - I did so much walking and my feet are paying the price for it today, but it was such glorious weather it seemed a shame to take the tube and I was enjoying looking at everything after being away from London for a few months. It all felt new.

Seeing Wicked again affected me far more than I thought it would. I know I last saw it in November which isn't that long ago, but with everything that's happened it feels like an age. I got teary as soon as the music started, and it just made me feel like my old self again. I keep going on about wanting to reconnect with how I felt last year, and I realised that Wicked and the theatre is a huge part of that. It made me refocus and think about visiting Broadway and going to Japan and that I need to sort myself out instead of wasting opportunities. I need to think long term instead of instant gratification like I have been. I don't know what it is about this show that affects me like that, but it just makes me want to be a better person, achieve what I set out to do and go for my dreams. I just love this show so much, and I'm so glad I got to see it again and be reminded of all of this.

I like collecting magnets as a way of commemorating places I go and things I've seen. It's a cheap little memento, and I like to think that one day I'll have all of my memories covering my refrigerator so that I can always smile whenever I'm doing something as mundane as making a cup of tea. I didn't have the London specific one, and as I'll be seeing Wicked on Broadway in a few months (!) I want to make sure that I have a specific magnet for each.

What'll I do? What'll I do? What an unusual view!

I went to see Dumbo today, I'm still not completely sure what I thought of it but I guess it lived up to expectations? I should preface this by saying that the original animation is one of my favourite Disney movies of all time so I didn't have high hopes for this movie going in, but I was excited for it nonetheless as I love a good circus theme, I thought Danny DeVito was perfectly cast as the ringmaster, I was pleased to see Michael Keaton as he's been one of my favourite actors since I was a kid but he's been in a lot of lousy movies, and I thought the CGI of Dumbo looked well done. And to be fair all of those expectations were met: the vintage circus theming was great, DeVito and Keaton gave great performances, and even if the CGI was a bit overused in other parts of the move the elephants themselves were great. The first half of the movie I was actually really enjoying it, but then the second act happened and they went to Dreamland and it became the Dumbo sequel no one asked for, featuring 80% less Dumbo and focusing on a bunch of human characters I couldn't care less about. And because it focused so much less on Dumbo, it forgot the original film's observations of sadness, loneliness, and the bond between mother and child. Yes Dumbo got sad and missed his mum and a lot of the plot revolved around freeing Mrs Jumbo, but it lacked the emotional pull. Dumbo wasn't soul crushingly lonely because he had two bland kids who could barely act following him absolutely everywhere. He wasn't mocked and rejected by the other elephants in the circus because they weren't there. He had minimal interactions with his mother, and what he did have were rushed so their separation and reunion were lackluster. I know its its own movie and a remake has the right to exist in it's own context, that's a point I believe strongly and I think it's incredibly small minded to state that a story can't be revisited because a version already exists - people have the right to interpret a story in a way that's meaningful to them and retell that story in their own vision. But comparing it to the original is obviously a natural reaction, and for me it doesn't come close.

It had a lot of references to the original; Baby Mine was beautifully done although significantly shorter, I loved that they kept Casey Jr, that the stork visited Mrs Jumbo, they did include my main man Timothy even though just barely - I appreciated that the kids placed him next to Dumbo and stated that everybody needs a friend so the mouse (who was unnamed but wearing Timothy's iconic red jacket and hat) could be Dumbo's friend, and then they proceeded to feed the mouse peanuts. I loved how Danny Elfman wove elements of the original soundtrack into the new one - the film basically opened with an instrumental version of Casey, Jr, and OMG let me tell you about Pink Elephants on Parade! I know everyone always says this scene in the original is creepy nightmare fuel, and whilst I agree to an extent the sheer artistry of the animation in that scene has always held me spellbound and I love it. The scene existed in this movie too, but it was part of the circus act instead of being a drunk hallucination, and let me tell you it was PERFECT. I would watch the movie again for that scene alone, it was so beautifully done, the score was amazing, and Dumbo watching it awestruck from the wings was one of the purest scenes in the whole movie.

Overall I'm still not sure how I feel about it honestly. It had some beautifully done scenes, but I didn't appreciate how it had become so focused on the humans and moved away so much from Dumbo. I didn't like how the humans were talking to Dumbo and he could understand them - the humans are entirely separate in the original, mostly anonymous characters who barely exist in the animals world and they certainly don't communicate. Communication is such a huge theme in the original and is kind of the whole point of why Dumbo's mute, so allowing the humans to talk to him so easily lost that entire pathos to the story. Overall it just felt a bit messy, it got too sidetracked by what should of been the side plot, and lost track of what made the original so great in the first place and just doesn't possess the same magic and wonder. Which is pretty much what I expected of it going in.

I know Disney has quite a few releases coming up this year: there's the live action Aladdin which I'm excited for as I don't have any strong feelings about the original animation, and the new The Lion King which I'm dubious about as I do have strong feelings about the original. Then there's Toy Story 4 which I could't care much about to be perfectly honest as I feel like those characters are being stretched too far by now. And Frozen II at the end of the year which I'm VERY anxious about as the original is so very important to me and it's always nerve wracking having characters that hold such personal meaning being taken into new territory. What are you looking forward to most this year from Disney?

This end could be my start

I hope you all had a lovely holiday season! Personally I’m always a lot more excited by what comes next - New Year. I know it’s just a day like any other and time is a human construct, but I do love embracing things that signify clear endings and the feeling of a fresh start. And I’m feeling SO positive about 2019! So much so that I’ve been working on my 2019 planner throughout most of December. I love New Year as it provides the perfect opportunity to take stock, reflect, and see where you want to go forward.

I had a mixed 2018, but generally it was very positive and I feel so much stronger going into 2019. I began the year very insecure and unsure of myself, and I’m leaving it with a very strong sense of who I am and what path I want to take. I’ve spent most of my time since leaving uni in a period of self rediscovery, and it’s felt wonderful to re-engage with old interests and feel passionately about things again, and I'm learning to stop being ashamed of liking nice and innocent things. I’ve been moaning about finding my art style for years, and as soon as I stopped trying to find one and re-learned how to just draw for myself again and lose the feeling of everything I create having to be shared, I ended up finding my own style without even trying. And as a result I'm back to drawing regularly again after being stuck in an art block for years which feels wonderful!

In 2018 I also visited Naples and Rome by myself after having not traveled in years, and although it was a difficult trip it was so beneficial to me. I graduated art school with a BA Honours degree in Illustration and got a 1^st for my dissertation. I saw Roger Waters twice over my birthday and got to shake his hand at the end of the show. I can distinctly remember stating that it felt like the perfect way to not only celebrate my birthday, but also start a new chapter of my life after a sucky few years and I really didn't expect that to actually come true as it's since that point that things have only gone up and up. I saw Nick Mason in September, which meant I'd seen 2/3 of my favourite band live, and I went to the theatre in the West End 5 times in 4 months - seeing my favourite show Wicked 3 times, and seeing my original favourite show Les Mis for the first time in 7 years.

For 2019 I want to focus on saving money and getting to my ultimate dreams of living in the place I've always wanted to, and also visiting New York. I want to invest in myself instead of things. I also want to learn a new language, draw more, read more, and continue to throw myself into the things that I'm passionate about and stop feeling apologetic about it all and stay enthusiastic and true to myself and my heart. Most of all I want to stay optimistic, which is something I lost for a long time and aren't prepared to lose again.

Title: Catch Me If You Can - Goodbye