The emotion it was electric, and the stars they all aligned

I ended up breaking my self imposed 'no theatre until NYC' rule and went to see Wicked on Saturday as several members of the cast were leaving. I wasn't originally going to go to their final show, but decided last minute that I couldn't let the opportunity pass me by and bought a ticket literally the day before.

I've grown really attached to this cast, and have seen them 6 times in total over the past 10 months. They're the cast I've seen whilst I truly fell in love with Wicked, and a lot of their portrayals are no doubt tangled up in my own interpretations of the characters themselves. Wicked and the world of Oz in general have really helped me to find my way out of a dark spot and rediscover myself and my interests, and this cast has been a big part of that journey. Back in September of last year I'd been reveling in the Wicked OBC and L Frank Baum's original novels, and although I'd seen Wicked 8 years before, back then I wasn't really a fan of it and couldn't remember much. I hadn't been to the theatre in years when I decided to go again and it felt like finding my way home. And it was this cast, and I can't thank them enough. Wicked is something that came into my life just when I needed it most, and this cast change feels almost like the end of a chapter. Not of Wicked of course, I can't imagine that, but I guess of that period of my life and the changes that are about to come.

As my booking was so last minute there weren't many seats left to choose from, so I was sat further back in the stalls than usual but it was quite nice actually. I definitely prefer being up near the front, it's just so immersive you completely forget about everyone else in the theatre and there are so many small details you just can't see further back. People kept going to the toilet and the ushers were wandering round and it was all a bit distracting this time, but I liked that I got to fully appreciate details in the set and lighting design that I usually don't notice from up close. Like the Time Dragon, I never realised that he moved so much throughout the show, I was only aware of him being used at the beginning of each act before. And a lot of things were clearer from further away, like the tornado and Dorothy's house flying past, details I was aware of but are much blurrier up close and make much more sense from a distance.

The best part of it though was definitely the atmosphere from the audience. We're generally a bit reserved in this country so I wasn't expecting much, but people were really wooping and there was thunderous applause at the end of basically every song and for Glinda and Elphaba's entrances. It really made it special and I was so glad to be there and get to experience it all first hand, it was definitely a show like no other. They also gave speeches at the end, and it was difficult not to tear up along with them, it was all just really emotional.

I was hoping to stage door and took my programme and a Sharpie with me for the occasion. I've never stage doored before due to anxiety so I really wasn't sure what to expect, but I'm really glad I did it. It was crazy busy as everyone had the same idea, and I was second row back so didn't want to bother too many people asking for photos as it was difficult. Sophie (Glinda) was kind enough to take one high enough to get me in it, and by the time Alice (Elphaba) came along people were leaving after they'd met her so it spaced out a little and I was able to get a nice shot. And it wasn't anywhere as awkward as I'd feared, it was literally just saying hello, asking to sign, I loved your performance, thank you, etc, it was so fast paced there wasn't even time for much else. So if like me you've always been too scared, don't be, there's honestly nothing to it and everyone was so lovely!

I'm so glad I made the last minute decision to go and didn't miss this experience! And the next time I see Wicked will be at the Gershwin Theatre in New York where the show first opened, which just feels so surreal to me right now!

'Ah, but there are three hundred and sixty four unbirthdays!'

It was my birthday last week, and I made myself a dress for the occasion from some Frozen fabric I had lying around. I spent the day down in London with my mum, and as I usually only go to London to go to the theatre it felt kind of weird not seeing anything, but my mum vehemently hates musical theatre and I'm on a self imposed ban as I'm seeing so much in New York next month. So we had a nice chill day and walked around the main city centre looking in various shops (clocking up 10 miles on my fitbit), and then had dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe which I'd actually never been to before despite seeing them everywhere. We went to the one in Piccadilly, and the waitress told us that that particular restaurant had only opened 3 days before which was a funny coincidence as we were clueless. My last birthday was such an event with me seeing Roger Waters that this year was bound to feel low key in comparison, but it was still a really nice day.

I recieved some lovely things through the post yesterday, don't you love it when all of your parcels arrive on the same day? It felt like my birthday all over again! I ordered a couple of dresses from Chinese site Taobao, a site I hadn't used it years and felt terribly rusty with, but my shopping service made the process a breeze and I definitely recommend them. The beautiful butterfly collared dress has been on my wishlist for over a year and I finally succumbed, but who can blame me. And I've been after these limited edition Frozen dolls for an age as they usually sell for crazy money. But my patience was rewarded, and now I have both sets of Elsa and Hans! My two favourite characters, I just adore how they look together on my shelf.

Eden Camp

Last week I visited Eden Camp, a WWII museum based in a genuine Prisoner of War camp that was used to hold German and Italian soldiers. I'd been to Eden Camp once before as a child with my family - my stepbrother was into all things military, and as we were driving past anyway my parents thought it a great idea. At the time I couldn't think of anything more boring, but it captivated me and I'd been wanting to revisit ever since and so finally made the journey up to North Yorkshire.

What makes Eden Camp so special is how immersive it is with it's interactive reconstructions that even smell like the period - you'll turn the corner and be hit with a strong whiff of coke coal or carbolic soap. It goes into these kind of details that you wouldn't expect, and shows the war as something human and illustrating what it was like for the everyday person rather than as the detachedness of troops off fighting in Europe which is how it's usually presented in the UK. It's a stark reminder that people back then didn't have that luxury of switching off from it, it impacted every aspect of their lives. There's even air raid sirens randomly going off throughout the day, warning you of a constant threat. It made me feel really proud of my country, of the unity, of everyone pulling together and making the best of things. And it made me a little sad too, as I can't imagine people being so selfless nowadays.

Eden Camp mostly focuses on how the war affected Britain, but there was a small exhibition detailing the effects further afield and an area dedicated to the Shoah (the preferred term as the word 'Holocaust' means a religious sacrifice, not mass murder. This is a good article). It was a really powerful exhibition that I found quite distressing, and at first I thought it a bit small as to me it's always felt like the biggest part of the war. But as the museum is focused on Britain and never shies away from the horrors and deep fears of what was happening around the globe, on reflection I felt that it probably had the balance just right.

I couldn't help but notice that everything was high quality - all of the foods were packaged in tins and paper and card boxes, all of the clothes were natural fabrics, even the cotton bobbins were made of wood. You could tell the clothes were better quality than they are now (and I've been dealing in vintage for enough years to know this as a solid fact). You had to buy clothes with your rationing tokens as clothing and fabrics were rationed as well as food (fun fact: British people were the healthiest they've ever been during rationing, go figure) and there were only enough rationing tokens for one outfit per person per year. Gosh, can you imagine that nowadays?? I'm not one for fast fashion and haven't been for years and I reckon because of that I buy less than most, but even so I can't imagine! It really made me think about how unnecessary and consumerist driven we are nowadays. I loved peeking into the reconstructions of peoples living spaces and seeing open brickwork in their home, their mismatched furniture, their minimal decorative aspects. I can't even imagine owning so little. I wouldn't necessarily want to exist like that, and I think it's important to remember that these people didn't choose that life but were forced due to necessity, but it does inspire me to waste less and think about my purchases, and just try and continue being more purposeful like I've been trying to already.

The war has never been a topic of interest to me before, as I either find the atrocities of it too distressing or it just brings to mind the tedium of my stepdad watching The Great Escape every single Christmas. This museum really brought it to life for me in a light I've never seen it before and I couldn't stop thinking about it all week after.

My future is unlimited

At the end of May I went down to London for MCM Comic Con, which I hadn't been to since 2011 I think? Cosplay is something I've often been intrigued by and dipped my toe into now and then, I think it's an obvious hobby with me being a bit of a nerd about my interests and being a dress maker and overall crafty type. Confidence is what I lack, but I figured I'd never have any if I didn't force myself out of my comfort zone, so that's what I did.

I had intended to go as Coronation Elsa, but the weather ended up being far too warm so last minute I switched to a more casual Elsa look with my Secret Honey set and a wig I styled myself. I think it was a good choice as having a more casual outfit stopped me feeling quite so anxious about the whole thing, but it was obvious enough as a cosplay that little girls gasped when they saw me (always a wonderful feeling that makes me truly feel like the character!)

I came home brimming with future cosplay ideas, including cross-play which isn't an idea I'd even really thought of before for some reason? I don't know why, I guess I just felt like because I'm a girl I have to stick to female characters, but I saw some wonderful female cosplayers convincingly portraying male characters and felt inspired! It's definitely brand new territory, but something I'd really love to explore.

Although I only went to Comic Con on the Saturday, I made a whole weekend of the trip. On Friday I saw Come From Away which I actually went into completely blind and hadn't even listened to the soundtrack before, but I wanted to see something and knew it got rave reviews and nothing else grabbed me. Saturday after Comic Con I quickly nipped back to my hotel to de-Elsafy myself before going to see Wicked. It'll probably be my last time seeing it for a little while, and so my last time seeing the current cast who I really love which felt a bit sad. I also got to see Chris Jarman play the Wizard, who was fantastic! The next time I see Wicked will be at the Gershwin Theatre in New York, which feels beyond surreal!

I can't resist taking a thousand photos of the Time Dragon every time, I love the set design for Wicked so much!

Sunday was a pretty chilled out day and I spent most of it with my sketchbook. I did some sketching in the museums, then sat in Starbucks and watched the city go by while I finished off some Wicked illustrations as I felt inspired after seeing it again. I found Comic Con hugely inspiring as well, as it got me thinking about translating my work into products and what might work. I'm working on expanding my Wicked character set and I plan on turning them into key ring charms and sticker sheets - I've already got Boq and Nessarose sketched out.

title // Wicked - The Wizard and I

"Stop trying. Take long walks. Look at scenery. Doze off at noon. Don’t even think about flying. And then, pretty soon, you’ll be flying again."

I've really been loving my sketchbook lately, I just can't stop drawing and can't tell you how wonderful that feels. If you didn't know, I completed a BA(Hons) degree in Illustration last year, a feat in itself with all of the illness I've been dealing with along the way. I had art block before I even started my degree, and I think a lot of it has been mental health related and being in such a bad place zapping my creativity. I had hoped that doing a degree would help me figure stuff out and find my motivation, but naturally it came with it's own difficulties. Although I was forced to draw to complete assignments, I was left with no time for experimentation as it was more important to churn out work to meet deadlines, so although I got an insight into the industry there wasn't any room to find my feet artistically. And with such a heavy emphasis being put on commercializing work and fitting yourself into a box, my work had never felt more restrictive as I had brand new ways to pick myself apart and tell myself my work wasn't good enough. I wrote a lot more about my art journey here, but suffice to say it's been a difficult journey and I honestly didn't see myself getting to this point.

After graduating I felt like throwing in the towel and giving up on art altogether, just keeping it as something strictly for myself with no outside pressure. Then last autumn I had a turning point and hit my stride, organically found a style I loved working in that feels like my own instead of incarnations of other people's work that I'm trying to mimic (like trying to draw in the standardized Disney way), and have almost completed my first sketchbook in years.

Generally I see my sketchbook as something very private and I'm quite guarded about it, mostly because for me personally if I think of my sketchbook as something that other people might see then I start looking at it through that perfectionist lens and it becomes something performative. A sketchbook is very personal and journal like anyway, so it makes sense for it to be just for the artist - you wouldn't ask to flip through someone's diary, and it's basically a visual version of that. But saying that, I'm so proud of my work and what I've accomplished that I can't help but want to show off some pages I really love.

I really started using this sketchbook in October 2018, so all of this work is from the last 7 months and I'm only 10 pages away from filling up the whole book. I'm bouncing off the walls about that! I've been using a Leuchtturm1917 sketchbook which I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with, but I'll definitely be buying another of this brand regardless - the fact that I don't 100% love the paper quality is forcing me to not get too caught up in filling it with finished art pieces so I can be a bit rougher with it. Plus it comes in such pretty colours!

I'm also at a point where I want to give my art career another go. Especially as I now feel like I have my own identity as an illustrator and know which direction I want to work in. I’ve always felt that I had to build an audience before I invested in creating my art as a business, but I've realised now that that’s the wrong way around. It’s up to me to make this happen and believe in the quality of my work as a saleable product, not sit around waiting for demand to happen. I'm currently making a list of the kinds of products I want to create featuring my work, sourcing suppliers and thinking about stockists, putting together zines (something I always wanted to make but never knew what it should be about - now I have 7 without even really trying), building more of my portfolio and creating a website, and just having more fun with my work again.

I post finished pieces to my art blog, Instagram, deviantArt, and Tumblr if you want to stay up to date with things I'm creating, but I'll definitely keep sharing the odd thing over here from time to time too.

title // Kiki's Delivery Service

Picture perfect, a life that you saw in a magazine or maybe a traveling book

I've been thinking a lot about travel lately as I've really been kicking things up a gear with arranging and planning things for my trip to New York, and I finally have all of my tickets for Broadway booked! Exciting!! I really never thought this would be happening and it just feels so incredibly surreal, and I don't think it will feel real until I'm actually there. This is a trip I always told myself I'd do someday, and last November I made a bit of a snap decision and decided that as Moulin Rouge! would be opening on Broadway, and as Moulin Rouge! is my favourite movie and the Broadway show contains some of my favourite actors, that THAT would be my goal and I set my mind on seeing it soon after it opened on Broadway instead of watching it all happen secondhand through the internet like usual. Setting my mind like that made me excited at the prospect of knowing it would happen at some point so it felt less 'one day' pie in the sky, but as no opening date had been announced yet I could still be comfy in knowing it was far enough in the future not to worry about.

Then just a few weeks after making that decision, presale tickets were announced with an opening night announcement and suddenly my ideas became real! I was so anxious of letting the opportunity pass me by that I decided to select a random date and buy a ticket for then, figuring that I'd fly to New York for just that one evening if it came down to that. But thankfully it hasn't come down to that, and I've managed to book myself a whole trip around that one random date I picked from the sky (although I'm still anxious something's going to go wrong and I won't get to go and that I'm jinxing myself just by telling you all of this!!)

Because this trip has got so much pinned to it for me, I've wanted to make it perfect. Last time I went traveling was to Italy last year, and I really didn't have a very good time at all. A lot of it came down to my confidence having taken a massive hit and general mental health being incredibly low. Thankfully I'm in a much better place so I think it will all be fine, but there was one chapter of my book that particularly spoke to me:

"Over the years, in your life back home, you have learned how to avoid situations of awkwardness. You have become an expert at working around your diffidence and your fear of being the unwelcome focus of attention. But, of course, there's been a price to pay for your expertise at defensiveness. Whenever something feels alien or in any way threatening, your instinct has been to retreat, and you've missed out on a lot.

But now, abroad, fitting in is no longer an option. You are the stupid foreigner. Or course you can't know what you're supposed to do. Everyone stares at you wherever you go. It sounds bad but, surprisingly, such extremity starts to offer you a sort of liberation. Maybe fitting in is overrated. Maybe not looking like a fool is simply not an option in any rich and interesting life, wherever it may unfold."

All of my anxieties around travel centre around standing out, about appearing the "stupid foreigner" and wanting to blend in as seamlessly as a local. I think a big part of why I enjoyed going to Japan so much is that I couldn't hide because my very ethnicity made me stand out so I was forced to fully embrace the awkwardness. I need to lose that fear of appearing like a tourist, as if that's even a bad thing!! Travel is good and I should be proud of myself for doing these things, not shuffling round the edges hoping not to be noticed as if I’m doing something indecent. I want to really push myself this trip, and go to restaurants by myself instead of hiding in the safety of convenience food, not being afraid to talk to people around me - another chapter in the book it states how tourism separates us from the actual people of the places we're visiting. We spend all of this money to go and visit landmarks, look at the culture, taste the food, but with never getting directly involved by simply talking to the locals - "They remain shadowy, occasional figures: the guy by the pool, the taxi driver from the airport, the nice lady who took us on the trip through the forest...Most of the places we want to travel to are associated with a distinctive way of being: an implicit personality...It's a range of human virtues that draw us to places, but we're normally only permitted to encounter these via their external, cultural expressions. We don't really want to shop or see pictures; we want to talk. Yet we remain - painfully - outsiders."

I'm going to ease up on the documenting of the trip too, as I think I've inadvertently ruined previous vacations by being obsessed with photographing and taking notes of everything with the intention of blogging/vlogging about it later instead of actually enjoying the moment. I am going to vlog and photograph things, but not like before. When Flickr changed their terms and began charging for accounts at the beginning of the year I was forced to sort through my account that I've had for 13 years. It holds so many memories, and the biggest thing I noticed was how few photos I had from various trips. My album for Disneyland Paris contained less photos for 5 trips combined than I take for 1 visit nowadays, and the photos I did take were charming in their way because I didn't care about angles or the quality of the actual photographs as I was never really thinking about sharing stuff, I just liked to document things. And that's what I want to get back to. I don't need my photo to be perfectly aligned from the right angle to be valid, it doesn't make it a better memory if it looks good on Instagram. I've bought a traveler's notebook to fill out with memories while I'm there, and stick all of my keepsakes into and having it as something fun to look back on just for me.

There's a peace the early brings

I took these photos a couple of weeks ago, when the weather was really miserable. It's actually my favourite kind of weather, where there are signs of spring all around - flowers popping up through the grass, buds on the trees. But the weather feels like autumn, with air that's still and wet with fog on every horizon. It's confusing, as I feel almost like I should be getting ready for the hibernation of winter again instead of preparing for summer. It's strange how the seasons are often more about the feelings it stirs inside us rather than the outside world. Autumn is my favourite season as it makes me feel nostalgic, although why exactly I can never put my finger on. I guess it's to do with new beginnings as it's hardwired into us from a young age that autumn is the start of a fresh academic year.

I took these photos with my DSLR, and I had thought about getting rid of this camera as I tend to favour my G7X Mark II with it's portability (or even my phone honestly). I'd forgotten how much I enjoy having full control over my pictures, of selecting the lens and the depth of field. Sometimes it's not about the pictures themselves, but the fun in taking them.