Another year over, a new one just begun

I've always been really excited by New Year. I know it’s just a day like any other and time is a human construct, but I love anything that signifies clear endings and the feeling of a fresh start. 2019 has been a weird one overall and I've had a bit of a love-hate relationship with it. I've had some truly life changing experiences, but I've been battling myself a lot and been in a bit of a weird funk for the latter half. But at the same time I've got a pretty good idea of what I need to do to help myself, so I guess that's a pretty good place to be. I also think this time last year I was in such an optimistic place that it kind of skewed my expectations and made me look back on 2018 with rose coloured glasses, so this year could never compare which is ridiculous. Especially as a lot of amazing things have happened this year. The biggest of which was always going to be the fact that I finally achieved my life long dream of going to New York and seeing not one, but three shows on Broadway. I was also able to meet my favourite actor Aaron Tveit and he was everything I could of ever hoped he'd be (they say 'never meet your idols' but thankfully all of my experiences have been great ones so far!).

I also visited Disneyland Paris for the first time in years and had the best time meeting all of the characters around the park. I attended London Comic Con and dipped my toes into the world of cosplay, styling my own wig from scratch with no prior experience. I really made the most of travelling around my home country and visited Whitby, Liverpool, Manchester, York, Eden Camp, as well as multiple trips to London. I was able to go to the theatre 11 times in total, and saw Wicked x4, The Phantom of the Opera, Come From Away and High Fidelity in London, and Moulin Rouge x2, Wicked and Frozen on Broadway. I beat my anxiety and stage doored for the first time with the leaving cast of Wicked, a total on the whim moment as I only booked the ticket the day before.

I went down to London with my mum for my birthday and we ate at the Hard Rock Cafe two days after it opened without even knowing. I actually stuck with language learning and developed a pretty good grasp of Danish which has always been a lifetime goal of mine to be able to speak another language, but I never thought I had a head for it until I was able to prove myself wrong. I added lots of amazing things to my personal collections, especially Mika and Frozen. I completed two sketchbooks, and finished Inktober for the first time in my life. I went to the cinema more times than I ever have before in my entire life, 17 times in total (8 of which were just seeing Joker over and over, but still!) I even went to the cinema in France and saw my favourite movie in French.

Last year I wrote that I wanted to "continue to throw myself into the things that I'm passionate about and stop feeling apologetic about it all and stay enthusiastic and true to myself and my heart", and although my usual insecurity ate into that a bit, it's something I'm striving for in 2020 too as I believe having passion for what you enjoy and what you do is what will get you far in all aspects of life. Whilst I do have my long term goals that'll take a few years to happen, I'm starting 2020 much less sure of where I'll go than when I started 2019, but maybe that's OK. I may have less of a plan but I have plenty of options to try too, and that's pretty exciting!

You only have to read the lines, they're scribbly black and everything shines

I've been drawing a lot of portraits lately as I find it fun and it's good to draw things for me, but it's something I always feel a little unsure of sharing as although I'm proud of them I don't want people thinking it's part of my 'brand' as an illustrator. It's a whole side of art business that I struggle with honestly, as it feels nowadays like you have to have your one aesthetic and stick to it but I'd get so bored! And honestly I think it's good to be versatile. But saying that, I don't think I'd want to do portraits as commissions as it'd no doubt lead to drawing people I don't care about which wouldn't be fun for me, so I keep them as just a hobby.

I used to draw portraits quite a lot with pencils, but because I'm a perfectionist I hated them if they weren't super photo realistic and it really sucked the fun out of it. So last year I began drawing them with ballpoint pens, something that scared me silly at the beginning as it's so permanent so there's obviously no way of erasing if you make a mistake, but it's actually really liberating and I feel I've learnt a lot from being forced to work with my mistakes. Because these are just for fun, they're all in my sketchbook. The top is Joaquin Phoenix in Joker, as it's turned out to be my favourite movie of the year and I'm lowkey obsessed. Second is Mika which is my favourite of the three (look at those pinstripes!!), and lastly is Aaron Tveit which whilst I like, I had issues with my pen blobbing while I was drawing it (why do they do this though??)

And here's two other illustrations I've been working on. Above is from the Broadway adaptation of Moulin Rouge, and it's how they end Act 1 with Elephant Love Medley. I'm not keen on how the song has been reworked honestly, but visually it's amazing, and I had fun trying to translate specific people into my art style whilst still making it look like them, as usually I draw fictional characters so likeness isn't so important. And below is from the finale scene of Wicked, and uh, spoiler alert? But Fiyero gets turned into the Scarecrow and I've always felt like he gets vastly overlooked within fan circles when this is a huge thing he goes through and a major sacrifice. I've always felt particularly attached to Fiyero though after reading the novel, his character is a lot more developed in that so I guess if you haven't read it it's easy not to care about what happens to him as he doesn't have a lot of stage time.

Popular, I know about popular

I went down to London to see Wicked yesterday. It's my favourite musical, and I like to try and see it as often as I can but the last time was all the way back in August when I was in New York. I hadn't seen the current London cast at all as it changed back in July, and I really loved the previous cast so I was a little nervous but I really enjoyed it! Elphaba was especially amazing, possibly even my favourite?? Feels like a bold statement, but there were lots of little bits of her performance that she brought to Elphaba that really hit me emotionally that I've not seen other actresses do with the role. It was Nikki Bentley, I'll definitely be keeping an eye on other things she does too!

I didn't have any other plans for while I was in London other than a few specific stores I wanted to look in. I wanted to stock up on Leuchtturm sketchbooks as it's my go-to and they've changed the paper and binding method and I knew of a store with old stock, so I try and keep a collection going so I have back up. I also wanted to go to a HMV to see if they had anything Mika and if they had the Joker OST on vinyl (they didn't :( I've been waiting ages for it to be released and then I missed it!), and I wanted a new planner that I saw in Foyles when I was in London last time. It's based around goals and I love how this one has questions throughout it asking how you're on track, and each weekly spread has pre-printed habit trackers to fill in and stuff like that. I love organisation and keeping track and seeing my progress, so I think I'll really enjoy using this planner. I ended up walking 12 miles in all throughout the day, which is crazy!

Lose themselves in other times

I went to the antiques shop today as I haven't been in a while and I just love having a mosey round. It's a huge complex on an old RAF base with about 8 different antiques stores all in one area, and they have so many vintage things from all eras. Records, clothing, jewellery, hats, suitcases, home decor, old photos, and so on. I love flicking through all of the records and getting elbow deep through all of the clothes, it's fun to look around and fantasize about what my future forever home might look like.

I wanted this Pink Panther lamp so bad! I loved the Pink Panther cartoons when I was little.
There were way too many mannequins in this bit, it was creepy.

I always see a ton of neat things when I'm there, and naturally I couldn't resist bringing a few things home with me. I got this 70s wool throw (the yellow thing in the background) which I thought was really good value for £10 and thought it would suit my decor as my curtains are the same kind of golden yellow. I really love yellow, it makes me happy just looking at it. And I also got a new clown buddy!

Here he is with the party. I kind of unofficially collect these, I usually find them in thrift shops for £1-3 and I like rescuing them. Some I've fixed up their outfits or their paintwork to make them good as new, and I think they're cute! They're all the same maker as they have identical moulds, and I never knew who made them before as I've never seen them in their boxes so that's pretty cool that now I know! I don't usually like buying things in their original box as I then feel obligated to keep it as it's old. I know that's dumb, but it just seems a shame when it's survived so long, you know?

Do I look like the kind of clown that can start a movement?

I've been a fan of Batman for most of my life by this point, and first discovered it through watching the 1989 movie starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. I was going through my Tim Burton phase, and Batman was one of the last of his films that I'd yet to see which I wasn't too excited at the prospect of. Until I actually watched it anyway, then I fell completely in love with Gotham and it's residents and began fervently collecting the comic books as quickly as I could - which was difficult honestly, as comics weren't as prominent in the UK as they are today and it showed a great deal of determination on my part! I've always excitedly awaited each movie release, with mixed success - Christopher Nolan's trilogy will always be my favourites for their gritty realism, whereas Suicide Squad I prefer to forget the very existence of.

I initially had mixed feelings about the newly released Joker, mostly due to the amount of negative press it received leading up to its release, and my anxieties over what Hollywood was doing to such an important character in DC lore - especially after the hot mess that was Suicide Squad (yes I will drag that movie at every available opportunity, it was horrible). There seemed to be genuine concerns over whether Joker was going to try to legitimise this incel culture we have nowadays, but thankfully it ended up being far from that kind of narrative and shows that people shouldn’t be making assumptions about this film before they see it. In the few short weeks since this film's release it's become a movie that means a great deal to me for reasons I'm not even completely sure, I just felt so much, so intensely. I've seen it three times at the cinema so far, and fully intend to see it more which is a new experience for me - despite being such a huge fan of movies, I've only ever once before seen a film at the cinema twice, but I just feel like I can't see this film enough times and I want to savour the feeling of total immersion the cinema provides.

I don't feel like I need to really explain what this film is about - it's predominately a character study of Arthur Fleck's transformation into the Joker and gives one option as to a possible origin story. As such it's a difficult film to spoil as you know at the end he's going to become the Joker, but nonetheless I'd advise not reading further if you're bothered by potential spoilers as I will be talking at length about the plot.

I will say straight off the bat that this is a very uncomfortable film to sit through, but it's uncomfortable in all the right ways. It makes very valid criticisms about not only the poor vs rich, but also the way neurodivergent people are treated in society which was an aspect of the film that touched me the most. Arthur is portrayed as not only mentally ill, but also suffering from a brain injury and I just really liked this origin for the character of the Joker. Previously in both comics and movies he’s always felt like this kind of ridiculous character that would never appear in real life, and yet this film made him real. It was SO well acted by Joaquin Phoenix, he's absolutely mesmerising and obviously studied head trauma survivors. Most reviews that I've read seem to be skipping over that aspect and solely focusing on the mental illness, but it's stated several times - from his mothers hospital records we learn that as a child he was found tied to a radiator with "severe head trauma", and the card he hands to the woman on the bus states that his inappropriate laughter is caused by brain injury - and that is a legit symptom of brain injury. Making that the reason for his comic book style laugh was genius. I was so sad for him when he kept getting hurt and beaten for being "odd" when he wasn’t actually doing anything wrong, and this is the way disabled folk are treated every single day. It went there and I love it so much for that. I can understand if some want to keep Joker as a simple agent of chaos without purpose or motive, but if you are going to give him a backstory then this is it for me as it made him so believable and real.

Throughout the promotion of Joker I got the sense that they were trying to somewhat remove Joker from Batman with the many insistences that it was a standalone origin tale, but it was very firmly placed in canon and as a fan of the comic books I loved the side plot with Thomas Wayne. It set up the reasons for why Batman and Joker become arch enemies perfectly, and I loved seeing this other side to Thomas Wayne's character. Usually we only get to see him from Bruce Wayne/Batman's point of view, which is obviously hugely idolised as not only is he his dead father, but Bruce is from the same level of privilege as his father so wouldn't understand the perspective poor people had of him. He sees his father as a good guy who loves his city and wants to do everything he can to help those less fortunate than himself, whereas to Arthur Thomas is an out of touch entitled asshole who stands on the shoulders of poor people whilst referring to them as 'clowns', and possibly has an affair with Arthur's mother which he then covered up when she fell pregnant by having her committed and faking adoption papers - which I know is left up to interpretation, but I believe the photo Arthur finds of his mother as a young woman with a message from Thomas on the back is pretty damning evidence showing that the whole relationship wasn't Penny being delusional, and another example of how the rich can screw over the poor which is obviously a huge theme of the movie. Also, on subsequent viewings I've taken particular notice of Penny's story arc and when Arthur is looking through her medical notes at Arkham it briefly shows a note made by one of the psychiatrists that stated that Penny was insisting "I don't know why I'm here" regarding being committed, and I just really believe her and definitely think that Thomas Wayne is Arthur's dad which makes the whole thing even more tragic. Most reviews seem to think that the subway shooting was when Arthur transformed into the Joker, but personally I think it's when he kills Penny and no longer has anyone looking out for him at all and his realization that he's killed the only person that loved him. She was his final tether to reality, and without her he has no reason not to give in to the Joker side of himself.

I know that there have been a lot of complaints about the character of Joker being sympathised and pointing out all the ways in which he's actually a monster, but I feel like these people are missing the point. The Joker can have a sympathetic origin AND be all kinds of fucked up evil, the two aren’t mutually exclusive. It's a sad fact that people who have been victims of abuse don't always stay victims their whole lives, but sometimes go on to become abusers themselves as it's all they've ever known. People are rarely born evil, people are rarely even born mentally ill, they can just be more prone due to family history. And the whole point to the movie in the first place is that if he’d been shown some compassion sooner and gotten the correct help he needed instead of being left facing such extreme loneliness that he literally has delusions of people being nice to him and having positive relationships, had he not continually been abused both individually and by the system, then maybe he wouldn’t have turned out like that. Because as Arthur himself states in the film, you can’t be surprised when mentally ill people go on to exhibit mentally ill behaviour. One of the big turns in the movie is when the mental health funding in Gotham is entirely cut, so the therapy and medication Arthur is taking to help him is cut off. He doesn’t even know where he’d even get his medication any longer. Add to that the casual bullying he suffers in his day-to-day life, from the casual aggression of the woman on the bus even after learning he was disabled, to the assholes on the subway, these people are all too common in real life. If anything comes from the success of this movie, I’d love for it to make people kinder to neurodivergent people instead of shooting dirty looks to outright bullying because you find their behaviour “odd”. Their dignity and safety is no less important than you feeling a bit uncomfy just because you don’t understand why they’re behaving that way.

Anyway, overall I really loved this move if you couldn't tell, I love the character study and it's such a compelling retelling of one of my favourite characters, and the ending takes my breath away every time. I know comic book movies have dominated the box offices for years now, and I've been bored by them for a while. Joker feels like the antithesis to those, a comic book movie that doesn't feel like a comic book movie, and as a fan of comic books I'm all for that honestly.

Seaside Rendezvous

A couple of weeks ago I travelled up to Whitby, an old seaside town in Yorkshire rich with history. I've always wanted to visit, and as it's only 3 hours away from where I live I decided to make the most of that and visited at the end of September to make the most of the quiet season before it got too cold.

It's a really beautiful place, and a day was just long enough for me. I didn't go inside the Abbey as it's just ruins and I felt like I could see enough from outside, but it was truly stunning to see it sat atop the moors. Goth festivals are held here twice a year, something I always longed to visit in my teenage years, and looking at the scenery it's clear to see why it's so popular. Close to the Abbey is St Mary's Graveyard, full of legend and folk tales with even a grave for Humpty Dumpty (the cannon the rhyme is based on, not the egg!). It's clear to see how it inspired Bram Stoker to write the location as Dracula's entry point into England.

I've collected gemstones for most of my life, and was thrilled to find a few pieces of Whitby jet washed up on the seashore, something I'd hoped might happen but wasn't confident I'd be lucky enough as I'm sure you can imagine there's a lot of people looking for it! I think I struck lucky due to the storms the previous day and the sea being quite rough. I've always been inexplicably drawn to jet - it's rather plain to look at as it's just black, so it's certainly not as eye-catching as many other gemstones, nor is it sparkly, but it's always been the stone I'm most naturally attracted to (and after I learnt the properties of it I'm hardly surprised why!) As well as the raw pieces I found on the beach, I also treated myself to a jet necklace as it's a difficult stone to buy just anywhere and it felt like a nice way to remember my trip.

Whitby is a beautiful little town, like many places in Yorkshire. If you're ever travelling to England I always try to advise tourists to visit further North than just London, and don't think anybody could ever be disappointed with a visit to Yorkshire. Whitby isn't too far from the city of York, which is another of my favourite places!

Project 365: III

15/365 - Sunday 15 September: I got my signed Playbill from Moulin Rouge! professionally framed ♥♥♥ The frame was custom made as Playbills are awkward dimensions, and it's all sealed up at the back so it's safe and sound. I'm just so, so happy with it as it's so important to me as it represents so much and was signed by one of my favourite actors, and now I can display it with pride on my shelf and take it traveling with me and know it won't ever get damaged. You can see my little New York snow globe in front of it too!